Day 19 | how has jealousy caused you pain?

Set is the Egyptian god who murdered his brother Osiris out of jealousy.

Jealousy has definitely brought out the worst in me in the past. It can really turn someone into an evil monster when it takes over.

Jealousy happens when we lose empathy. We think that someone has it better than us because we can’t see their struggles. We compare their show to our own behind-the-scenes. It’s easy to see someone succeeding and assume that their life is perfect — you can’t see how much struggle it took them to get there, or how many battles they are secretly fighting.

In general, I don’t think I’m that jealous of a person. I am someone who digs deep and reads between the lines, so I think I’m good at seeing a person’s true struggle behind their outward achievements.

There may be certain aspects I am envious of, like I’m a little jealous of people who are never tired and can function perfectly on just 5-6 hours of sleep, people who forget to eat sometimes because they’re not hungry 24/7 like I am, people who can memorize things more easily, people who don’t have as much anxiety as I do, etc. little things like that. But I’m never jealous of a person as a whole, because we all have strengths and weaknesses; I would not trade any of my strengths for other people’s strengths.

It’s just that moment of, “wow, I really struggle with this thing that comes so easily to someone else.” But I always keep in mind that there are plenty of things that come easy to me that many others struggle with.

Jealousy has hurt me the most in terms of romance. I will admit that I have actively tried to hurt innocent people before because I was jealous of the attention they were getting from someone I wanted. And that makes me feel so horrible. There are a handful of people who I know had absolutely pure intentions but I victimized them. I was once so obsessed with this guy who I worked with, and I would torture anyone who simply talked to him. If they laughed together, if I heard even a slightly flirty tone, I would go absolutely livid. And now I feel so awful with myself for being that way.

I will definitely never be that way again. The right guy will not allow you to get jealous for no reason, he won’t egg you on every time you get a little bit paranoid.

I think that in very tiny amounts, jealousy can be a good thing — it can motivate you to work for what you want. A little bit of jealousy can be flattering, it can mean that you really admire a person. But you can never let it control you, take over, and turn you into a monster.