Now that I am only a few months away from thirty, it felt like the perfect time to look back and deeply reflect on what my twenties held…
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On November 14, 2014, I turned twenty. I was finishing up my first semester as a junior at university. I was studying animal science but I really wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my career. I wanted to work with animals, possibly focusing on behavior and training, but I really wasn’t sure of my exact steps. I was taking a lot of cool courses related to animals, which was fun but very challenging and demanding. I was also doing volunteer work with shelter cats which was very rewarding.
I was living on campus at the time. I had great friends at college, along with a great roommate. But there was certainly a lot of drama, and being that age, there’s always going to be some conflict. I also had a nearly three-year long relationship at that point.
It was at this point when I was really seeing the world for what it was and essentially shattering that illusion that we’re conditioned into from birth. I’d spent the prior few years highly focused on myself, focused on my own healing, always looking inwards. Now I felt like I was looking outwards for the first time. I became so much more aware of the state of the world that I was living in. That was really terrifying, yet liberating at the same time.
At this age I became kind of obsessed with classic rock, mainly Pink Floyd. I also began listening to more indie music at this time. In my teens, I was always listening to the top 40, pop radio, the new artists. I felt suddenly disconnected from the new music that I used to relate so much to. But I realized that most of the popular songs are about toxic relationships and harmful ways of thinking. I still enjoyed occasional pop music but it wasn’t my favorite.
If I could back, I wish I would’ve spent way less time on Facebook and Instagram, and more time focusing on preparing for the future. I wish I’d had more of a solid plan about my career path, took my volunteer work more seriously, and put more time aside for schoolwork. I also wish I would’ve paid no attention to drama and little disputes between friends. And I wish I would’ve been much less scared of the world, despite beginning to understand how scary it truly is.
I made so many wonderful memories though. That summer was my first time at Big Dub Festival. It also included a trip to Canada with my sister and cousin, which was so awesome!
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At twenty-one, I was a senior in college. For my birthday, I went to a bar with my friends. Even though I was finally drinking age, I actually didn’t go out drinking much. I still hated the taste of beer and only drank fruity cocktails. And spiked seltzers weren’t popular yet back then.
I was still figuring out my career path. I was still interested in animal behavior but I really didn’t know how to get into it. I thought that I’d probably end up doing vet work or animal research. My classes were toughest in my final year and I was struggling. I worried that I wouldn’t make it to graduation. Many of my classmates were pre-vet, on their way to vet school, so they were super smart and highly competitive with their grades. That was really hard for me to match up to. On one hand I wish that I would’ve pushed harder, but at the same time I’m also glad that I didn’t let my schoolwork destroy me.
Also at this age, I began working for a doggy daycare. This was my first job I’d had since my ice cream parlor job back when I was eighteen. It was also the first job I had that was related to my career path. There was so much that I didn’t know yet about work culture. It was a great learning experience but there are so many things I would’ve done differently. I would’ve been much less meek and shy; I would’ve spoken up more, I would’ve been more direct and assertive in my communication.
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My birthday present was a kitten, little Venus!
Twenty-two, I was in my final semester at college. I made the decision to graduate one semester later. That provided better balance and helped me concentrate on earning all of my credits. I was a part-time student instead of full. My plan was to continue working, balancing both school and work equally. However, my final classes ended up being so difficult! I think I was only taking three courses, but one of them was Clinical Pathology, which is the hardest class I’ve ever taken. It demanded so much of my time and energy.
I felt super burnt out by my schoolwork by now. Although, I still wish that I’d either stuck with my job, or found another job, or focused more on volunteer work — really anything to get my career going. I’d always planned to finish college and stay out in Pennsylvania, but at this rate I knew that I was going to have to move back home to New York with my parents. My roommate was moving back home and I couldn’t afford to stay at that apartment by myself.
But hey, it ended up all working out, so maybe it was for the best. My dad always told me how he took off a semester in college and was always happy with that decision. So, it was nice to be just a part-time student and have all of that extra time for myself, while it lasted.
I had just opened this blog!
23
And then came twenty-three, in which my life had completely transformed in only a single year. After finishing college, I’d move back with my parents in NY for about six months with a temporary job, to make just enough money to get myself back to PA. I was so determined to get back.
But it’s actually a really great thing that I had to go back to my parents for a few months. That time spent with my mom was precious and I didn’t know that. It wasn’t in my original plan, but now I’m thankful. I remember going on the train with her to visit my sister in the city. We had a lot of great times together.
That summer was when I moved back to PA. I got an apartment and moved in with my boyfriend, along with my cat Venus. It was a huge risk because I didn’t have a job yet and he was working part-time and close to minimum wage at first. I was able to get a full time job pretty soon, but even then I was cutting it close. I was extremely thrifty and super diligent about tracking my spending habit and really good about setting aside savings. (I wish I was still like that now… honestly I don’t know how I did it…)
Being out of school was a huge weight off my shoulders. I finally regained the energy to write more, learn and teach myself new things. This is when I began blogging on a regular basis. This is also when I bought my first pack of tarot cards and fully learned how to read tarot.
I felt good in my career path. I felt like I had a good job, but also something that I couldn’t stick with forever and would have to change eventually. But for a moment, I felt really settled. I was content.
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At twenty-four, I was in a new and slightly bigger apartment with my boyfriend. We had been together for six years. At that time, I was not emotionally ready to handle a longterm relationship. I was at a low point. I was doing all of these big-girl things, running my own life, paying bills and rent, getting groceries, doing laundry, etc., but I was still very emotionally immature. I still had a lot of growing up to do. Maybe I was trying to grow up too fast. I was trying to sabotage my relationship in very unhealthy ways. I wanted to be alone. We were sort of in this “halfway” period of breaking up.
The positive is that I was blogging much, much more. This is when I began drafting what would end up being my first self-published book! The silver lining of heartache is that it leads to great art. This was a super creative time for me. I was also dying my hair these crazy colors which was so fun.
This was actually a turning point in which I accepted myself. I no longer felt like I needed to hide my true colors from the world. This is when my social anxiety finally began to calm down. People from high school wouldn’t recognize me at this point. I was no longer “the quiet girl,” finally! Now, I was known as “the crazy girl” and I actually loved that!
So overall, this was a very horrible, yet absolutely amazing, age!
25
When I turned twenty-five, I could feel that there would be a lot of intense changes coming, I just didn’t know exactly what they would be. I was doing even more writing and continuing to write the story of my future novel. I was expressing myself through photoshoots. I was going deeper into tarot and astrology.
From twenty-four to twenty-five, this was mainly about just becoming more confident in myself and learning who I was. I dyed my hair so many colors, starting with pink/purple, and then hot pink, followed by blonde/purple, black/purple, and rainbow. But once I turned twenty-five, it was back to dark blonde.
My mom was having a lot of memory problems along with some behavior issues. I knew that something was off but I wasn’t ready to fully process it. My parents visited me a few times, and I tried to visit home whenever I could, and we had a lot of fun memories together. Once, we went to a bookshop and I entered a raffle contest and ended up winning a free kindle fire!
By the time I turned twenty-five, my mom had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease. It progressed very rapidly, too quick for me to even realize what was happening.
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Baby Luna, my pandemic kitty.
Now, it’s November 2020. In one year, not only did my own life completely change, but the entire world had completely changed. Let’s just get it out of the way — COVID!
If you back up to right before spring, it was when I moved out into my own apartment and started living alone. I was dealing with a breakup, I was grieving my mom, and I was isolating. I wanted to be alone all of the time. Life had become so painful that I was living deep into a fantasy world. Escapism was my way of coping.
I pushed away a lot of good people. At work, it was hard to get along with coworkers. I developed a lot of delusions. When people were nice to me, I convinced myself that they hated me. When people were mean to me, I convinced myself that they were in love with me. I was just living in this inverted dimension. I was so disconnected from reality.
I have a thousand regrets from this age. Yet I don’t take this for granted because I don’t think there will be any other time in my life when I am completely alone like I was. I know that the future will hold plenty of days when I’m begging for a moment of peace and quiet.
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Around the time I turned twenty-seven was when I truly felt like everything was falling apart. Mom was now living in assisted living. I lost people who were very close to me.
It was a huge wakeup call. It was like being in a deep slumber and then having ice water splashed on your face. It hurts like hell, but it’s necessary unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a dreamworld.
On the bright side, I had already self-published my first book and I was in the process of writing my second. Sometimes isolating yourself and having a lot of delusions helps — it helps you write a book! People ask me how I managed to write books — I spent a majority of quarantine completely alone, and I spent a majority of my days drifting off and daydreaming. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t sell many copies, what matters is that I have this passion project on my hands for the rest of my life, and no one can take that away from me.
Another cool thing is that I had opened my own Etsy shop and started doing professional psychic readings. I also came up with my own “potions” that I put up for sale. On top of that, I had also started a Youtube channel doing tarot readings.
Throughout this year, I would start prioritizing my nutrition and wellness. I started learning how to cook, which sounds silly, but in a modern world full of takeout and frozen meals, I did not know how to actually cook. I got back into exercise, doing yoga every day, and going on more nature walks.
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I cried on my twenty-eighth birthday. I wasn’t upset about the future coming, I was upset about the past. And I wasn’t even necessarily sad — I was actually extremely grateful because it felt like my life was turning around and that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. But I was like… look at all of this mess that I’ve made… and now I have to clean it all up.
I had recently reconciled with my boyfriend after a couple of years of being separated. We decided to just take things slow and start over without necessarily completely starting over.
I had switched jobs after reaching a breaking point at my prior. It was time for me to move forward. I opened up a Medium blog and started making a lot of money from it. Best of all, it looked like the pandemic was finally over.
Things would never get better with Mom, but now she was in a routine and settled, with professional care. I don’t have to worry as much about her because I know she’s in good care. I can still hug her, dance with her, play music for her, talk to her and sing to her.
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Right before turning twenty-nine, I broke my foot. It was very random and unexpected. I had to wear a walking boot for six weeks.
Now I was an aunt to Marco, the wonderful son of my brother and sis-in-law. Being an aunt is an incredible experience and it’s still all so new to me. I love my nephew so much! And he has the best parents you could ask for!
I spent my early twenties avoiding doctors appointments, and the end of my twenties paying for that. Kids, make sure you go to the dentist. Don’t wait six years and then end up with a mouth full of cavities. And don’t wait until you’re almost thirty to get your wisdom teeth pulled. It took me, legitimately, six weeks to recover. I’m still traumatized. I don’t think I have ever been in that much pain in my life for that long of a time. Usually, when you’re in pain, it’s for like a few hours or maybe a couple days at most — NOT SIX WHOLE WEEKS!!!! Anyway…
I have seriously turned around my nutrition. I am much fitter than I was two years ago. Overall I feel much stronger and healthier.
I still have a few months until thirty. When I was twenty, I never could’ve imagined what the next decade would hold. I’ve made plenty of mistakes but that’s life. I had to hit rock bottom in my mid twenties in order to reach new heights today.
Crystal Aura Gaze 
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