Crystal Aura Gaze

I have changed my relationship to my body in the past few years. I’ve always known that the body is just a vessel that holds our soul. Your soul is always what truly matters. But there has definitely been a shift in perspective that I’ve experienced.

I’ve always had some level of respect for my body, but now my respect has grown so much deeper. I’ve faced a few health traumas in recent years. I experienced Lyme arthritis in which I had moments when I thought I’d never be able to walk again, or use my hand or wrist again, or live in fear of random bouts of arthritis for the rest of my life. Arthritis is one of the most debilitating things you can face and my heart goes out to people who do have to face this condition for the rest of their lives. I count my blessings that my Lyme disease and arthritis was resolved.

I also had a broken foot bone recently. Although, that was in no way nearly as traumatizing as the Lyme disease. But it was yet another thing to make me appreciate a healthy body. But more than that, I’ve witnessed people facing much worse health conditions with their bodies. And that’s made me even more grateful for what I have.

So what I’m saying is, bad health has made me extremely grateful for good health when it comes to my body. And another thing is simply aging. As it begins to sink in for how long I’ve been around, all of the traumas (not just physical, but emotional traumas too) I can’t believe how hard my body has worked to keep me alive all these years. I know I’m still young, but thinking about how different the world was since the year I was born, it does amaze me to think that my body got through it all.

And it’s not just health that makes me have more respect for my body. There is also a strong internal component. The older I get, the more that I want to hide my body, because I don’t want it to be a distraction for who I am on the inside.

Sometimes I feel a lot of embarrassment for a lot of things I wore as a teenager that were just way too revealing. It’s all in the past so it doesn’t really matter now. I think I dressed much better in college and early twenties, but still many moments where I wore things that I look back on and regret. But that’s because I had a very different relationship with my body back then.

I saw my body as like, a sculpture, or like some kind of emotionless object that needed to be presently perfectly and nitpicked and critiqued. I was both super proud and super insecure about my body at the same time. There were some aspects that I loved about my body and other aspects that I used to cry over. And all young girls are conditioned to compare their bodies to others, tweak what is wrong, show off what is “right” in order to further cover up what’s “wrong.”

I used to feel like my body belonged to other people — like I had to make sure my body was what people wanted it to be. If tan skin is trendy, then you need to go out and buy tanning lotion, etc. Not just your body, your face and your hair and your looks, has to be what everyone wants it to be.

Now I realize that my body is mine and I don’t owe anybody anything. Nobody needs to know the exact shape of my body, nobody needs to see my arms or legs if I don’t want to show them that day.

And as I began to dress more in a way where clothes fit loosely on me and I can cover more skin, I felt relief. It felt like taking back my power. And it’s ironic because I used to see my body as powerful, but now I’ve found that the more of it I hide to myself, the more powerful that I feel.

I also don’t want to shame any woman, or man either, who wants to show off their body and skin. It doesn’t matter what age — whether you are 18 or 38 or 68. Also, aging does not make your body less attractive, and “attractiveness” has nothing to do with it. People should be allowed to wear whatever they want. Especially if you are in a festival or party environment, it can feel fun and freeing to wear less. I am only speaking from my own personal viewpoint when I say that my perspective has changed.

But no longer seeing my body as a “thing” or “item,” I see it as a conscious entity. My body is self-aware. My body, and the cells in my body, know how to breathe and fight diseases and pump blood without my mind having to think about it. My body holds energy, it keeps score, it remembers emotional traumas. My body has physical reactions to the things that hurt me and upset me, as well as the things that excite me and bring me joy. My body is alive. It’s not an object.