Often in situations of trauma bonding, the abuser is the one who leaves first, making the victim feel abandoned and rejected. Why is this?
The following is a sensitive topic and readers should proceed with caution. This article discusses emotional abuse and trauma bonding. In this article I am focused on emotional abuse, but this can also apply to physical or a mix of both. I am not a professional psychologist and these are my own personal insights.
There was a point in time when you thought it was true love. You envisioned marrying them and having kids together someday. But it was actually a trauma bond — and you were caught in a delusion. A part of you knew that this was emotional abuse, but another part of you yearned for an illusion of deep romance. And suddenly, one day, they walked away and cut you out of their life.
Trauma bonds happen when a person (the emotional abuser) uses manipulation, mind games, and power threats over another (the victim), but the dynamic is disguised as love and romance. It can happen in committed relationships (marriage, boyfriend or girlfriend, etc.) but more often it seems to happen in undefined relationships where the rules are blurred.
The victim may become “trauma bonded” after a series of intense highs and lows during the relationship. The victim learns to crave the highs because it literally sets off chemicals in the brain that resemble drug use. Eventually, the victim also begins to crave the lows, because there’s an understanding that this will be shortly followed by another high.
There is a great push and pull in the dynamic of a trauma bond. The status of the relationship with one another is maintained unclear. The victim builds up hope that this relationship will transform into something committed and long-lasting. The abuser leaves just enough breadcrumbs to make this seem possible, but shuts everything down as soon as their victim gets too close or comfortable. This is followed by an endless cycle of going back and forth.
This may last months, could last years, and in some cases even decades. But there comes a time when the relationship comes to an end. In a perfect world, the victim realizes the reality of the situation and walks away with dignity. Unfortunately though, in most cases, it is the abuser who walks away first. This leaves the victim feeling even more powerless than before — rejected, abandoned, and no longer special.
The abuser is once again flipping the script as they cut ties with their victim. They ghost them, leaving them in the dark without any answers. They may block them on all forms of social media, move away and change jobs, and stop talking to them or seeing them completely. Often, it is very sudden and random — or so it seems.
The abuser cannot face what they have done. They realize that they got themselves into the situation too deep and their only “exit strategy” is to ditch with a supposed “clean slate.”
The victim wants to end things — but they don’t want things to end without proper closure. The victim wants an honest and thorough conversation. They want to know why this happened, what this means, and how they can recover from this.
This abuser doesn’t want to deal with it. And that’s because they know that they are guilty. Their best strategy is to brush it under the rug. If they were to have an honest conversation with their victim, the truth would come out in how abusive they were being — and that’s something that they do not want to face. Nobody wants to see themselves as a villain — most especially abusers.
They’re being selfish. Talking about the situation would require them to take accountability for their actions — and that’s going to make them feel bad about themselves. In their mind, it doesn’t matter if owning if to their actions makes their victim feel better, because it makes them feel worse — and they only care about their own pain.
The abuser leaves when they see that their victim is growing stronger, beginning to stand up for themselves, and gain back their power.
The endless cycle could go on forever, but as soon as the abuser catches glimpse of their victim regaining their power, they will instantly run. At their core, they understand how strong their victim is, so when this side of them starts to come out, it terrifies them.
Abusers know that their behavior is wrong, they know that it can come with consequences — whether emotional or legal. Getting caught for their behavior is their worst nightmare. So, they are always on the lookout for how submissive their victim is being.
It doesn’t take much for them to run. It could be something as simple as their abuser saying to them, “you are mistreating me.” They need their victim to live under the illusion that this dynamic is built on pure love. Their victim has to think “they’re acting this way because they love me.”
Abandoning their victim is like “the icing on the cake” from their perspective. They know that their grand exit will cause the ultimate pain.
As they see that their victim is waking up, they are desperate to take back their power once more. When they begin to see that the situation is becoming a lost cause, in that their victim may be able to come out of this stronger — that’s when they have to pull the rug.
When a victim realizes that they are being abused, they slowly begin to take back their power and find understanding in the situation. But when they are suddenly abandoned by their abuser, everything goes into question. They start to miss their abuser, struck with feelings of rejection and abandonment. And these feelings make them rethink the reality of the situation.
The victim may start to believe, “if they were truly abusing me, then they would have never walked away from me so easily…” And this will make them think, “if I’m actually the victim, then why do I miss them so much?” They question if this trauma bond and addiction was one-sided. Just as they were preparing to prosecute their abuser, all of a sudden the script has been flipped, and now they are desperate just to be with them again — even if it means ongoing abuse.
The victim was more invested in this relationship than the abuser was.
And this is the hardest truth of them all. The victim fell into an illusion that this was “true love.” They excused every single act of abuse as an act of romance. They were living in delusion. Again, this was likely not a traditional relationship of marriage or serious commitment (but it definitely still can be!) The victim was likely under the impression that they would someday marry and have kids with their abuser.
The entire time, from the very beginning, the abuser knew that this relationship was impractical. Whether it was outside factors (age gap, money, different backgrounds, living situations, affairs/cheating, etc.) or not, this person is, regardless, incapable of a true romantic relationship. Abusers will abuse — the victim got caught at the wrong place at the wrong time. The victim would like to believe that they were “special,” but truthfully they were just very unlucky. It could’ve happened to anyone.
So the victim wonders: “Why did they leave me? How could they forget about me so easily? After everything they put me through, how do you just move on and forget? Surely, they’ll be back someday?” The answer is that abusers and victims are two completely different types of people. Abusers do not feel remorse (and any type of guilt that comes up, they immediately suppress) — that’s what makes them abusers in the first place.
Victims know that they should hate their abusers. But these confusing feelings that rejection leaves them with — it makes them believe that they actually love their abusers. They may crave their abuser, wishing to see them again, taking desperate measures to try to find them again — despite all of the efforts they once made to escape them.
The cycle of abuse does not end when the abuser walks away. In some ways, it only begins. The victim essentially goes through withdrawal like a drug addict. They have to relive what they went through, going through these experiences over and over. Just when they thought they were moving forward, memories pop back in their heads at the most inconvenient times. They will have recurring dreams of their abuser and wake up feeling like these dreams were real. Some of the dreams will be beautiful and romantic, or bring a sense of peace, and then they wake up feeling very unsettled.
Victims ask, “why am I incapable of hating this person?” The answer is not what you think. It’s not because you’re weak. It’s not because you’re deeply in love. It’s because you are a good person. Your abuser may hate you (which really is: they hate the dark side of themselves that came out around you). You want to forgive them — and you should forgive them. Let yourself forgive. We’re conditioned to believe that forgiveness equates with weakness, but it’s just the opposite.
Some hard (yet healing) facts:
- You did not actually love them.
- They did not actually love you.
- You want to see them again and have an honest conversation because it will bring closure and healing for both of you.
- They do not want to see you ever again because they are incapable of accepting that the situation happened. They would rather know that you suffer in feelings of rejection, abandonment, and confusion. Where you saw this as a true romance, they only saw it as a sick and twisted game.
If you, or someone you know, is currently going through this situation then I want you to know that you are enough. A victim who misses their abuser is not weak, they are a kind and caring human. When abusers walk away, it’s the greatest blessing, but it’s perfectly OK to feel like it was your greatest devastation. Please do not hesitate to reach out for professional help if needed.
Crystal Aura Gaze 
Leave a comment