Crystal Aura Gaze

You had to sting me in the most passive aggressive way possible so that you could save face.

This is an open letter that is not for one person in particular, nor is it about any specific time or situation. All throughout my life, I’ve had many people try to hurt me in soft whispers — which stings more than an outward scream.

It feels like I was bothering you for simply existing.

What did I do wrong? I try so hard to be a caring and considerate person. I constantly go out of my way to make other people feel good. And yet — I struck a cord with you. But I was only minding my own business. It feels like I was bothering you for simply existing.

You made some kind of passive aggressive statement implying that you don’t want to deal with me anymore. Maybe you blocked me on social media. Maybe you gave me the silent treatment. Maybe you stopped returning my text messages.

You cut me out of your life without any explanation — or at least you attempted to. What you found out was, the more that you pushed me away, the more that I showed up in your life. And I wasn’t doing anything to force you to like me — but maybe you thought that I wreaked of desperation for your approval.

…maybe you thought that I wreaked of desperation for your approval.

I felt tested. How are you supposed to react when someone stabs you in the back — but hides the knife before you have enough time to turn around and catch them?

It’s not worth any reaction at all. If I try to confront it, you’ll deny it. But if I try to ignore it, you’ll keep doing it over and over. I don’t understand — are you trying to get my attention? But why should I give attention to someone who I can no longer trust?

What do you expect when you leave me blind-sighted like that? You choose to strike me in my most peaceful moment. Just when I believe that we are connecting and bonding, you shut it down. Are you uncomfortable with being vulnerable? If you wanted to get closer to me — then why are you pushing me away!?

You choose to strike me in my most peaceful moment.

You’re speaking in codes and expecting me to read your mind. You’re acting out in passive aggressive ways — yet expecting me to return back with direct energy. But how can I be direct with someone who chooses to speak in code? It’s not possible!

To the people who tried to hurt me quietly — I wish that you would’ve tried to hurt me more directly. I wish you would’ve had the courage to tell me that you don’t like me. Just tell me the truth.

You probably think that you’re protecting your peace — by disrupting mine. You’re probably trying to take control of the situation — by making me feel completely out of control.

You probably think that you’re protecting your peace — by disrupting mine.

You’re provoking me. You’re tapping me on the shoulder and then disappearing before I can face you. You’re shooting your arrow at me and then ducking behind a tree before I can spot you. You’re speaking volumes with your silence.

When you attempt to protect your peace and gain control of a situation, why don’t you think about how that will make me feel? Do you think I’ll feel happy to open up social media and see that you blocked me? Do you think I’ll feel good when you don’t respond to my text messages? Do you think I’ll feel calm when I realize that you have cut me out of your life without warning?

It doesn’t matter if we’ve known each other since grade school — or if we just met only a few months ago. It doesn’t matter if we work together, or have mutual friends, or live in the same neighborhood as each other.

Why don’t you think about how that will make me feel?

I don’t know if this is “not personal” or if this is extremely, extremely personal. I don’t know if you are sending this passive aggressive message for your own relief, in hopes that I never receive it — or if you are sending it with ill intent to hurt me.

Well, guess what. It worked. You did hurt me. And I cannot pretend that these quiet attacks have no impact on my confidence and happiness.

But, you know what else? You’re not the only one. This letter is for absolutely no one in particular — because there are too many people to count who have done this to me. And maybe that makes me the problem.

I accept your rejection.

To the people that hurt me quietly — I don’t care what you think. I sincerely hope that your peace is protected and that you feel in control of your life — if cutting me off or passively hurting me was what you needed to do. I pray that you find healthier ways of coping with your insecurities. But until then, I accept your rejection.

You don’t have to like me — and you don’t have to say that to my face. Go ahead with your Irish exit. You don’t owe me any explanations. Just understand that this type of behavior doesn’t make you special — it makes you just the opposite. It makes you just like everyone else.

What makes someone special, in my mind, is someone who chooses to stay — not because I’m perfect, and not because I deserve it. What makes someone special is a person who can see my flaws, my bad habits, and my dark side — but loves me regardless. There are so many special people in my life who have shown me the meaning of unconditional love.

But I’m not a monster — I’m a mirror.

I put so much effort into being a kind and caring person — because I understand how sensitive we are as human beings. I can continue taking the high road, no matter how many people tailgate me. I can attempt to zero out their aggression with sweetness. I can blow kisses at those who flip me off. I can turn the other cheek until my whole face is red.

Eventually, I am going to crack. I am only human. I’m going to get upset when you continue to hurt me quietly. I wish I was graceful enough to keep pretending it doesn’t bother me. And when I finally do crack, are you going to smile to yourself, and tell all of your other friends, “I told you so… this girl is a monster.”

But I’m not a monster — I’m a mirror. You projected your pain onto me… and now I serve as your own reflection.

For the people who hurt me quietly — I do not suffer silently.