Crystal Aura Gaze

My mom has passed away. My dad, my siblings, and myself were all there with her in her final moments. She left us peacefully in her sleep. Mom had been struggling with early onset Alzheimer’s disease for the past several years. All of our friends and family know that she has been going through this. I have many “internet friends” following this blog, who have been with me through the years, as I’ve shared my updates on this horrible journey.

If you are familiar with this evil disease, then you know that I have been losing my mom in pieces, over the course of a very long period. I lost a part of her when symptoms came up in 2018, lost another part of her when she was diagnosed in 2019, lost more of her when she required professional care and moved into a nursing home in 2021, continued losing more of her as she regressed through 2022 and 2023, and lost a huge part of her in 2024 when she was put on hospice, was sent to the hospital a couple of times, and it became clear that her time was coming any moment. And now in 2025, she can rest and be free.

If you’re not familiar with this disease, then you do not understand how much it takes away from a person before they are finally gone. It strips away practically every single part of them. It goes far beyond losing one’s memory – or even losing one’s appetite, motor skills, and speech. To put it bluntly, it takes away everything from that person. Just when you thought that the person had nothing left to lose, it continues to take even more. It takes, and takes, and takes.

Who’s to say if she has recognized my face or voice in the past couple of years – that doesn’t matter. One thing that it NEVER took away from my mom is her LOVE. And even in her passing, it still hasn’t taken away her love. That cannot be touched. Even when she could no longer look me in the eyes, I never felt a lack of love. I could always feel her love there – and I still do. I always felt so much warmth in her presence, even when I was dealing with so much fear and grief.

Although I am processing these past few years, I will remember my Mom for who she truly was, and her life will not be defined by illness. I want to talk about the illness because I want to spread awareness – too many people are going through the same experience. I want those people to know that they are not alone. But at the same time, it cannot take away who she is as a person.

To ask if it is harder when someone goes suddenly, or when you have to watch them suffer over a long period of time… there is no answer to that question. Just because I have been preparing myself for her time to come in the near future, did not make her passing any less shocking. I was even in denial as it was happening… and I am still somewhat in denial.

About ten months ago, I visited my mom, and had this gut feeling that her time was coming very soon. A few days later, she had an emergency trip to the hospital. But after the hospital, she actually appeared in much better condition. My mom was put on hospice – but then she was taken off of hospice because she was doing better. But then, this was followed by going back on hospice again. And then there was another hospital trip in March, in which I thought that it was the end, but she held on for a couple of more months.

So as you can see, it hasn’t been a completely downward slope – it’s been up and down. While I knew that she was never going to fully recover, she did have her phases when she was doing well and getting better. It can give you a sense of false hope – which is worse than the reality. The ups and downs have been an emotional roller coaster.

I’ve spent the past ten months frozen in time, bracing myself for this moment. I knew that any day, at any second, I’d have to drop everything and go see her before it was too late. I told myself that it would be okay if I couldn’t be there in her last moments – but honestly, I’m so grateful that I was. I don’t know if anyone understands that type of anxiety until they have actually been through it… knowing that she was going to leave me at any moment but not knowing when.

This is me releasing all of the hardship of the past several years. That doesn’t mean that it’s going to get easier, but it means that I’m entering a new phase of grief, and I’m not even fully sure of what that is going to look like. I will be writing more about my Mom, the celebration of her life, and the wonderful person she was.

https://oysterbayfuneralhome.com/tribute/details/2070/Cyndy-Kellogg/obituary.html