Crystal Aura Gaze

First off, I am astounded and grateful of how many people showed up for me when my Mom passed away this summer. People who I haven’t heard from in years reached out to me with their condolences. I had a friend who lives across the country take a last-minute flight so that she could come to the funeral.

I had so many friends, current and old, show up for me during this time. It even made me question, in a humorous way, “do people really like me this much, or is it just that they liked my Mom so much?” And honestly, I’m honored to say that, I think that I owe most of my friendships to my mother. I think that my Mom was a big part (and maybe at times the only part) of why people chose to be friends with me. Seriously.

I had one friend in particular who was very introverted. In middle school and high school years, I had a lot of sleepovers with a group of friends – and we would get really loud and crazy. This one friend, I think she got overstimulated, and we were too much for her at times – so she would escape downstairs into the kitchen and have a glass of water with my Mom. And they would just talk quietly while the rest of us would be screaming upstairs.

I could tell that Mom never wanted to be overbearing with my friends, so she would purposely give us space and let us do our own thing. But you could tell that she enjoyed feeling like she was part of the group. And my friends would be like, “where did your mom go!? Tell her to come back here!” because they just genuinely enjoyed her company.

And then I have a college friend, who is one of my best friends to this day, who also deeply showed up for me. She said, “I wish that I got to know your Mom more” because having met her in college, she wasn’t there for all of the middle school/high school sleepovers. But in my mind, I felt like they knew each other well, just because I would always talk about my friend to Mom.

Back when I was a kid, I would sometimes get into fights with friends, and I’d want to put all of the blame on others, and cut them out of my life. But Mom would always help me look at the big picture – see the situation from their perspective – and show the importance of holding onto people. So if not for Mom, I would’ve given up on a lot of friendships that I still have to this day.

And at her funeral and visitation, I looked around and saw how many people showed up for my Mom. People of all phases, from college to baby groups to townies. I find that to be a rare thing. How many people can say they have that?

So anyway, I did have one friend in particular who did not show up for me. And I do not want to dwell on one person and let that take away the love that everyone else gave me. We had been friends for ten years and she knew about my Mom’s sickness. A couple years ago, we lost contact, because she seemed very busy in her life and wasn’t making an effort to keep in touch. So I let her go, as gracefully as I could.

But it stings that she never reached out or even acknowledged my Mom passing away. If she genuinely did not know what happened, she still knew what Mom was going through, and I would’ve thought she’d at least check in about it. The fact that we were friends for over ten years, and she said nothing about it, really stings. I did not expect her to drop everything and come to the funeral, but at the very least, to send a message would’ve been respectful.

It’s like, I guess she is too busy with her life to simply give her condolences. I posted about it online, so I can’t imagine that she missed the post, unless she has me muted. And I see her online, actively posting, actively using social media all the time. But even if she missed this post, I would’ve thought that she’d check in on me, knowing the circumstances.

I had the most unexpected people show up for me during this time. Friends I hadn’t spoken to in over a decade. People who I’d only known for a couple of months before losing contact. So many people showed up. And yet, the girl who I once considered my best friend, who I was close with for ten years, who knew me in ways that no one else did… silence… crickets… nothing.

And I just have to accept the fact that she has pushed me away. And it’s not just her. There’s a few people in my life who have decided to push me away. And it’s just hurtful. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough, like something is wrong with you.

When I go through this drama, I wish I could call Mom. She walked me through so many problems in life. I feel like people would like me better if they got to know my Mom. I seriously don’t think I would’ve had that many childhood friends if it wasn’t for her. I’m sure there were times when people wanted to give up on me, but they decided not to, because of my Mom.

When people push you away, you just have to let it happen. I fight really hard to hold onto people, and that’s because Mom taught me the value in that. But it gets to the point where it feels like fighting is all you are doing – fighting to get their attention, fighting to please them, fighting to feel important to them, fighting against the people who they place above you. It becomes an endless fight that you just can’t win.

You know what, this reminds me of a certain situation. When I was in college, my childhood cat passed away, and I remember talking to my Mom on the phone about it. I said, “one of my friends from high school didn’t reach out to me about it” and saying that I was mad at her for her silence.

In response, my Mom replied in a sharp tone, “why are you letting one person take away from all of your other friends and family who gave their condolences to you? You had so many people reach out to you with their love, why are you letting this one person, who didn’t, bother you!?”

And she said this in sort of an aggressive tone – NOT malicious – but like “tough love.” It was kind of like, WAKE UP! Put it in perspective! You let ONE person’s silence take away from EVERYONE ELSE who showed up for you?

That was exactly what I needed. And that’s exactly what I can take away from this. I’m allowed to feel hurt by this – but she will NOT take away from how much LOVE I’ve received from everyone else. Maybe this girl is purposely trying to make a dig at me. Or maybe, most likely, this girl is just so self-involved that I don’t even cross her mind anymore.

But the thing is – it’s not just her. This is only one example of one person who has not shown up for me. There have been a couple of people who have not shown me any grace during this sensitive time.

Grief is a sensitive time, it makes you more tender. People try to understand what it’s like to lose their mother, but honestly, until you have actually gone through it yourself, you will never know. Obviously, people know it hurts – but I don’t think people understand how deeply it hurts. I think that’s just people living in denial – they don’t want to believe that such a pain exists – because they fear it happening to them.

I just want to sincerely thank those who have showed up for me this summer, especially those who have both of their parents, but they have enough empathy to see what I’m going through. I want to thank people who have been extra sensitive of how emotional this period has been for me. And when I say “period,” I’m going back many, many years, back to when my mom was diagnosed.

However, the amount of people who have hurt me during this period, DOES NOT COMPARE to the HUGE AMOUNT of people who have shown ENDLESS LOVE & SUPPORT! Those are the people who I choose to focus on.

Unfortunately, I want to warn others that some people will show an absolute lack of empathy towards you. They will be too busy with their own lives to care about yours. They will not respect your tenderness. They will tell you that “your grief is not an excuse.”

When you go through a devastating time in your life, you are going to see who really cares about you and who does not. It will become much more clear. And it might genuinely surprise you, for better or worse.