Crystal Aura Gaze

Osiris is Egyptian god of the dead and the Underworld. He was murdered by jealous brother Set, his wife Isis pieced his body back together in order to conceive their child Horus.

I think that to live is to grieve. I am grieving every single person who was once in my life and is now gone, whether they have passed away or we have completely lost touch. I don’t let go of people. I’m still grieving broken friendships from elementary school. I’m still grieving anyone who I once had a connection with, no matter how short or long that time was.

Just because I am grieving them does not mean that I am actively missing them or wishing for them to come back into my life. You can grieve the loss of someone while also being okay with them gone. It’s not like I wake up every single day thinking, “I miss that one friend from fourth grade so badly!” but I will always get random flashes from time to time of people who I’ve lost, I will always feel the space that someone left after touching my heart. That gap never closes, you never replace a person – your heart just grows bigger, it grows around those gaps, as you make space for more people to come in.

I know that with age, I will continue to collect more grievances. I will enjoy the new people who come in, but I will grieve for more than double the people who have gone. And again, maybe I cut off this person because we had a toxic connection, maybe this person was a really terrible influence, maybe my life has completely changed for the better since they left. But that doesn’t mean that I will ever stop grieving.

So, I don’t think that grieving is wallowing in your sadness, or bargaining with the universe, or trying to seek revenge. I think it’s simply acknowledging that space that they once took up in your life, and seeing that it’s empty. Grieving is a form of respect, it’s a way of honoring the impact a person had in your life.

I am not only grieving people (and animals), but also grieving the parts in my life that I’ll never get back. I will always have grief for my childhood, soon I will be grieving for my twenties. I’m grieving for my time in middle school, high school, college, my first job, and so forth. I’m grieving these phases of my life that I’ll never get back. But again, don’t get me wrong – I look forward to the future and I seriously can’t wait for the next phases of my life! Yet still, I acknowledge the heaviness of being unable to turn back the clock, even if that’s a good thing.

Most of all though, I am grieving my mom, who is still with me but a part of her is now lost. That’s never going to be a good thing. She was supposed to still be here. But every time I think of her, I see her smiling. In my head, she’s never upset and she’s never suffering. I can only see the good times. I can only picture her smiling. Even when I think back on times she got angry or annoyed, I can only feel positive energy coming from her heart.

I try to imagine speaking to her about my current life, and trying to think of what her response would be, what her exact words would be. It’s hard to know exactly what she’d say if she was speaking to me right now, but as life goes on I can still feel her supporting everything that I do.