Crystal Aura Gaze

Early Childhood (0-6 years)

As a little kid, I was a performer and I was very theatrical and dramatic. I started taking dance lessons when I was three-years old and I put on dance shows for my family a lot. I was really into music and dancing. I would sing a lot too, but I never liked singing in front of people, only dancing. My parents gave me a tape recorder when I was around four-years old and I used it all the time — I would record myself making up stories, or singing, or pretending to be a radio show host. My mom told how one time, I was secretly recording my sister talking about friend drama with Mom, and then I popped out from behind the corner and said “that’s a sad story…good thing I recorded it!”

I spent a lot of my free time at my desk. I would color and draw a lot. My mom gave me all of her manilla envelops and I would doodle on them. My drawing was never exceptionally talented or realistic, but there was always a detailed story behind it. I wouldn’t just randomly put stickers all over the page, they would have purpose and meaning behind them. I can’t remember most of my “projects,” but I do vaguely remember making up my own video game using paper, markers, and stickers — it was like an outline for a video game that I had drawn out on paper.

I always had stories in my head and I was always making up characters and plot lines; I feel like I saw the world through the lens of a fictional novel. When I was around six or so, I had this alter ego named “Valerie.” Sometimes at family dinners, I would pretend to leave the house and then come back as Valerie. I would dress up in a nice outfit and I would act like I was a guest in my own home and I’d be super polite and sophisticated.

I really loved animals. My dad had a cat named Fasha who was probably like twelve or thirteen-years old by the time I was born (she lived to be twenty-one!!!) and I was obsessed with her. I had a strong bond with her that my older siblings hadn’t found. It was kind of like the family was in pairs — Mom and Dad, my brother and sister, and the cat and me. Oddly enough, there were times when I felt closer to the cat than my siblings, like when they would leave early for middle school and I’d hang out with Fasha while I waited to go to elementary school. In a funny way, I was like the family pet. We would eat family dinner together and when I finished eating I would go play with the magnets on the fridge while everyone else was talking.

I was painfully shy and I didn’t talk much in school. I preferred having one or two really close friends over being friends with everyone in my class. I was very emotional and sensitive. When I was really young, I had a lot of temper tantrums, and it was hard for me to control my anger. My parents had to put a lock on the outside of my door. Sometimes I would be pounding on my door and destroying my bedroom because I had so much rage. I was very quick to crying, someone could say the smallest thing and I’d instantly burst out bawling. I got embarrassed very easily and I was overly self-conscious.

Late Childhood (7-12 years)

I had a lot of interests in my late childhood, I was still taking dance lessons, I was in girl scouts where we did crafts and games, I liked playing video games and computer games. I still liked using my desk a lot; I upgraded from the kid’s plastic desk to a real grownup wooden desk. I did a lot of writing, I wrote stories, I started journaling. I liked fiction but I was also interested in nonfiction, I read a lot of nonfiction books. Fasha died when I was seven, and I adopted a kitten for my ninth birthday (Buttermilk!) and a couple years later I adopted my cousin’s cat when she had left for college (Penelope!) I became more and more of a cat lover!

I tried a few different clubs and sports but I mainly just stuck with dancing. I was definitely never the sporty type. I did tennis camp a few years, that would probably have to be my favorite sport; sadly I didn’t make the varsity team. I had a handful of friends but I was extremely selective. I always preferred one-on-one or small group hangouts over big groups. My mom, being very social herself, always encouraged me to be more outgoing and I wouldn’t have had big birthday parties or so many sleepovers if it wasn’t for her. I’m glad that she pushed me out of my comfort zone. But I often preferred spending time alone in my bedroom, writing, reading, or going on the computer. I also spent a lot of time outside by myself, swinging, shooting hoops, kicking around a soccer ball, etc. I remember occasionally looking at the window and seeing Mom waving at me from the kitchen; she loved watching me play outside.

I was really independent as a kid. Again, I really enjoyed being by myself. I think that I took control over my life in ways that most kids that age don’t. And my parents always encouraged me to make my own choices and have confidence in myself. In elementary school I was a straight A student, I was a huge nerd and I loved going to school, doing my homework, having tests and quizzes — like I genuinely loved it! But by fourth grade, I started struggling more with my grades. And it wasn’t because I didn’t care, I would cry sometimes over bad grades and I found it super embarrassing. I think that school was an overstimulating environment for me so I dissociated a lot. Too much talking and loud noises really stressed me out, so I would often zone out just as a survival instinct.

I was still extremely sensitive and I would cry a lot at school. My face would go red and my eyes would tear up and I wouldn’t be able to control it; it was super embarrassing. People often picked on me for being too quiet. I’m sure that a lot of people judged me as “snotty” or “cold” when the reality was that I had a very tiny social battery which is why I mainly kept to myself. People would ask me why I was so quiet, I would tell them that I just didn’t have much to say, and that was the truth. I was very much an observer and a listener. And I did live very deep inside my own head.

Also, I was still very much into music and dancing. Limewire was alive and thriving, so I could download hundreds of songs for free. I used to make tons of mixed CDs for my friends and family. I loved making playlists for sleepovers and hangouts. In sixth grade, I performed two different dances with two different friend groups — one was from dance class and the other was something I had made up and choreographed for my friends. I was in chorus for all of those years. I was in band for a few years and played the trumpet, but I quit because I was the only girl. I was never friends with boys when I was in middle school, I was only friends with girls. I would sometimes have crushes on boys, but I could never be friends with one, they are just way too mean and aggressive at that age, and their potty humor is gross.

Teenage years (13-17)

As a teenager, I was always thinking about love and romance, constantly. I loved romantic movies, stories, and songs, and I felt like finding your soulmate was the ultimate goal in life. I wasn’t nearly as much focused on school or figuring out what kind of career I wanted. I would become obsessed with a boy and then let that become my entire life; and then when I got my heart broken I would completely fall apart. I was kind of desperate. At the same time, I really only chased after guys who ignored me, because when a guy did give me his true attention I would get freaked out and run away. I was very hot and cold with guys. Like most teenagers, I definitely was not ready for true romance, yet it was something that was always on my mind.

I was still taking dance lessons and doing chorus; music and dancing was still a big part of my life. I was into astrology too and I remember checking my horoscope every day and hoping that one day I could know how to do that (and now I do!) I also had a spirituality crisis at this phase in my life. I was raised Unitarian Universalist but we stopped going to church every Sunday once I got to high school. I would sometimes go to my friend’s or family’s church services. I remember feeling like I needed to find my faith and truly figure out what I believe in.

I became a little less sensitive and learned not to take everything personally, although I still had a lot of mental health issues. My moods were very intense and sometimes I would get hit with these random waves of depression, other times I was overly giddy and ecstatic. I was super obnoxious with my friends and I had a humor that went way too far sometimes! It’s really a shame that I had the internet and social media back then, because it’s probably all still out there somewhere. Sometimes I played a lot of jokes on people that I thought was funny but definitely gone too far. I really had a wild sense of humor.

I had different sides come out of me around different people. Like, some of my teachers would tell you that I was really quiet, other teachers would say I was hyper. I swear that there were some teachers that hated me and targeted me. I think that a lot of my classmates saw all different sides of me, I think that everyone had a unique opinion about me because I acted different for each person. It was all subconscious and I wasn’t intentionally faking anything. I very much took on the energy of whoever I spoke with like a sponge. I think that people were always surprised by me and no one could ever really figure me out. I had my “fun and crazy” best friend who I goofed around with and then I had my “serious and introspective” best friend who I’d have long walks and deep talks with.

College years (17-21)

By 18, I had become so much more social and outgoing (but forever introverted!) I was so eager to meet new people, make new friends, be friends with everybody. It was a completely different persona for me because I’d always been so closed off from other people. Back in prior years I’d always been pretty fashionable and liked to wear nice outfits, but this is the first time in my life I started wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts. I learned how to relax and be more comfortable at this point. Also, stopped wearing as much makeup, stopped straightening my hair every day.

This was the beginning stages of learning tarot, getting more in astrology, and also blogging. I was going to school for small animal science and had a few jobs at animal shelters. Unfortunately, my two cats had passed away, but animals were still a huge part of my life. I still wasn’t sure about what kind of career I wanted even at that point. I considered going into animal research, or vet work, or caretaking. I’d say that my biggest focus at that point in my life was trying to make the world a better place and figure out what life was really about. I wanted to point out all of the corruptions of the world and how to resolve it. I spent the first portion of my life looking within and living so deep inside my head; this is the turning point when I started looking around and opening my eyes to the world around me.

I did a lot to work on my mental health and I was no longer afraid to ask for help and seek the resources I needed. And I was very much a hippie. I was on the dance team for almost two years but I didn’t stick with it because it became very stressful. I valued freestyle dance over planned choreography. I was sick of being such an achiever, who always needed to have a goal or finish a project. I was at my limit for putting myself at ridiculously high standards. I spent a lot of time going on nature walks with my friends and just enjoying the world around me, without an aim or purpose, just being in the moment. This was all so new to me.

Early twenties (21-25)

This was a huge life transition for me. I went from college dorm living to having a full time job and paying rent. In college I had been so carefree, but I knew that it was time to get serious at this point, and that was stressful. But there were still plenty of stress-free moments. I became a little more withdrawn again, so not as social as I’d been in college, but still conscious of keeping good friendships.

Blogging and writing became very therapeutic for me. It was a way to explore myself and better understand myself. It was a way to retreat into my own world without totally isolating myself. Everything I put out there on my blog, how transparent and raw I was with my feelings, is something I wouldn’t have had the guts to do as a teenager. I became so much more brave and confident, more open to sharing my feelings, and being my authentic self instead of a people pleaser. I stopped absorbing everyone else’s energies and instead developed a sturdy foundation in my own personality.

But I was still dealing with mental health issues and delusional thinking. Instead of repressing my dissociation and trying to keep myself grounded, I really leaned into my imagination. On the plus side, it gave me a lot of great stories to write! I was really embracing my creative side, I did a lot of photoshoots and dyed my hair crazy colors, I was blogging all of the time, I was always daydreaming. But on the negative side, I feel like I fell out of touch with reality. I wasn’t thinking realistically about my future. I thought that my life was this epic romantic, fantasy novel, but it was not. It’s hard to fully explain, but it felt like I fell down a rabbit hole.

Late twenties (26-29)

I completely isolated myself shortly after I turned 25. This was also, ironically, when the pandemic and quarantine began. (As I’m writing this — wow — I was only 25 when covid started? I thought I was older than that. Can’t believe how long it’s been.) I really wanted to cut everyone off and just live in my own world. Again, this is before quarantine, so I find it extremely ironic about the timing. In a twisted way it’s almost like the universe gave me what I wanted — be careful what you wish for… I learned the hard way that isolation is not a good thing.

I can pinpoint this moment in time when I had just turned 27, it was a huge wakeup call in my life, that I had been living in a deep delusion. I felt like I completely lost touch with reality. It was one of those rock bottom moments. At least I can look back now and say it did get better. But at that time I had completely lost hope. And it was this deep realization of seeing that I push away people who are there for me and I chase after fantasies that don’t exist. It was a harsh revelation but it was necessary. I can say now that my mental health has significantly improved from that point forward.

I wouldn’t call myself shy at all at this age. It took a lot of inner work to understand my social anxiety and rise above it. I’m still nervous talking to strangers, still a generally quiet person, but I do have a lot more to say now. I’m a lot more immersed in the physical world and the present moment. However, I will always be an introvert, I will always be a sensitive girl with a tiny social battery who dissociates from time to time. I think that’s my true nature. But I have learned the hard way, the importance of keeping myself grounded and thinking realistically. I will always have my fantasies and daydreams but I won’t live in them or confuse them for reality.

28 and 29 has been very much about taking responsibility and willing to work for what I want. It’s about doing the right thing and choosing longterm gains over short term.

My next chapter, come November, will be my early thirties. And we’ll see what comes from there.