Openness to connection

I have really been going through a lot of darkness in recent times, which you can probably see by some previous posts. But as I always say, how it’s darkest before dawn, that letting your pain come to the surface is the first step of true healing — it means that the healing process has already begun.

I am a very independent and introverted person. But I can see now how this has gotten in the way. I can see how choosing to isolate yourself is not a very healthy choice to make. I mean, there’s a time and place to go within and withdraw from the world — but that shouldn’t be all the time.

Living on my own has been a very interesting and eye opening experience and I’m glad I’ve been going through it. I have to say that it’s awesome calling your own shots, picking your own shows, deciding when you want to clean or be messy, etc. But I can admit that there is a sense of connection I’m missing out on.

I’m thinking that, people who chase after emotionally unavailable people, or those who keep themselves distant and closed off, actually do so on purpose. Maybe they don’t realize it, but it is a subconscious choice at the very least. Some people are really addicted to independence. So they fill their emotional needs by chasing after those who they know will never fulfill it.

Yes I am one of those people. Maybe I have grown too comfortable with isolation, that I enjoy it too much. I don’t want to live the rest of my life closed off from the world. Connection really is so important.

My father (hi dad!!!) has been talking about a podcast episode that really struck him, about healing trauma and PTSD through the power of connection, of knowing that others can relate to your hardships.

I have done some of my own research on PTSD therapy. Recently the medical community has been open to psychedelic medicine for this condition. That is because studies show that psychedelics connect neural pathways, allowing separate parts of the brain to communicate with one another, thus promoting a sense of connection. It can allow the patients to more clearly see that no one in this world is alone, that we are all one.

Now, I do like myself the way that I am. I like to be in my head a lot. I like to do my own thing. I like to speak less and listen or think more. Having said that, I do need to work on that stubborn independent thing. I do not want to live my life crying over anyone who can’t let their walls down, when ironically I am doing the same.

It really is ironic. I used to get really angry with friends who became too distant with me. And then they would turn around and try to be closer with me, and I would just behave in the same exact way I claimed to get mad at them for. Really, I must have been becoming angry with my own behavior, and then pointing fingers at others. It’s really perplexing. That’s what we do as humans, we project our flaws on to other people so we can avoid blaming ourselves — it’s all just projection.

And you see that in so many romantic situations. When a person is stubbornly independent, they will purposely go after someone who is emotionally unavailable. Because they don’t actually want to own up to their fear of connection, they want to blame someone else for their fear of connection. They want to cry to others saying “I tried so hard to be with this person and then they ran away” with this victim mentality, when the reality is that they just want someone to blame.

Well anyway, I feel that I am recovering from toxic patterns, hopefully. I hope that I can open up my heart, whether to friendship or romance, or simply a sense of community. I hope that I can still be my introverted self, still have a strong sense of identity, while also being able to experience true connection.