Journal Journey: Ages 19 to 20

This journal is so pretty! I also love this, because this is the point in which I decide to journal with different colored pens instead of the classic blue or black.

By the end of my last journal, I am really trying to focus more on spirituality. At this point, it’s summer ‘14, and I’m taking fast track classes at Del Val to catch up on credits. School work keeps me busy from reading what I’m truly interested in.

I’m going through a really hard time in that one of my closest friends from college is really not treating my right. This is something I sort of forgot about, at least the details, until now. She acts very strange, every time we hang out she is constantly talking about another friend of hers, and then always cuts our time short to see this other friend. This was something that began at the start of sophomore year, but now in junior year it’s getting much worse.

I write about a lot of disputes and petty conflict with friends during my high school years, but they were all so short-lived and petty, and time proved that we ultimately cared about each other. But this feels different, maybe because it’s a little more recent, or this drama was far more long-lasting, going on for almost years.

The way this friend is acting towards me, it feels either passive-aggressive or totally subconscious and ignorant. Some of it is straight up rude though. Like, having out with me, every single time cutting me short to go see your other friend. That’s rude. I can’t help but wonder if she is jealous — that I’m in a long term relationship and she’s continuing to struggle with boys, or for whatever reason. She’s putting me in these situations to make me feel not good enough.

I expect a lot from my friendships. And I should be happy enough with a boyfriend, but I’m looking for deeper friendships. A lot of it is probably me missing old friends from grade school years. I am so bad at opening up, it really takes me years of knowing someone before I can let myself feel close. I think my issue is that I am too guarded.

At the time, I really blame myself for being too emotional. I think in reality, I was too guarded. And I was putting a lot of forced pressure into having these deep relationships with people I only knew for a short period of time. And I was overthinking everything.

I really did enjoy my college experience and found the right university. In my grade school years, I was so closed off, and really only talked to a very small amount of people. In college, I became so much more open. I was friends with all different kinds of people. I was so eager to expand my horizons.

“MY TWO LAB PARTNERS ARE GETTING REALLY WORKED UP ABOUT OUR CHICKEN…” that is priceless. Apparently I didn’t care, though. I do regret that. I do feel like I often slacked off. I think it wasn’t because I didn’t care, but because I was so easily overwhelmed that I was so quick to shut down. As amazing as it was, it was also incredibly stressful.

It’s crazy — I love my current stable life. I love being at the same job I’ve worked at for five years, doing the same exact thing every day, having a routine, knowing who I can and cannot count on. Wow, college years were a whirlwind. Let alone new classes and coursework and instructors every few months, but friends coming and going, so many people coming in and out of my life. I go through phases of being close and then distant with certain friends, I’m constantly making new friends, I’m losing friends and then re-gaining them again. This will probably always be the most unstable period of my life.

A recurring theme in this journal is the grievance over all of the friends I have made and lost, not just in the short span of college (so far), but in my whole life, from high school, middle school, and elementary years. It’s the feeling of “I have lost too many friends, I cannot afford to lose any more,” and maybe that’s why I am so closed off, struggling so much to truly open up to my current friends.

I think that a part of me thought that by adulthood, you don’t lose friends the same way you did during school years. But this is a part of life. People die, people move away, people move on to different things, people betray you. It’s all the more reason to appreciate the ones who currently surround you.

Other themes in the journal are me complaining about how boring life is, and yearning for more freedom. This is the complete opposite mindset I have today. I mean, I still love my freedom, but life is anything but boring. How can I see it that way? Especially with constant change happening? I think I’m just failing to live in the moment.

The dance team, which was so much fun soph year, has completely changed junior year. A lot of my favorites have left the team, and now every practice we are all get lectured about how we aren’t “committing ourselves enough” to the team. It’s ruining dance. This ain’t boot camp. Dance is supposed to be about freedom. But I’m hesitant to quit, because I know my parents love to come to football and basketball games to watch me perform. I tough it out a little longer, but by the end of junior year I quit. I feel bad, because I just left the team without telling anyone, I was that fed up. I wish I would’ve left on better terms though because there were still a handful of sweet and kind girls who I probably hurt by doing that.

Oh my gosh… the amount of times I write “I wish I was Miley Cyrus”!!! 😹 Her crazy 2014-era was my dream.

There are some moments when people act really harshly towards me, and then other times when people are really sweet and fun to be with. I think… people are selfish… especially at 19 and 20. I don’t say that in a menacing way, just an observational way. It’s a very selfish age. I think when people act rude, maybe they aren’t being malicious, they’re just basically being selfish. It’s not personal.

Also at this time, I had a volunteer job at “Cat Tales” as a cage cleaner. From what I’ve written I seem to enjoy it a lot, a little stressful but overall a happy experience. I wish I stayed there longer.

Anyway, that’s the gist! There were good times and bad times. But most of all, there were CRAZY times! And I don’t need that craziness anymore. I’m happy with my “boring” life.