Let’s Teach Our Kids That Grades Aren’t Important

This may be a hot take — but children should understand that there’s more to life than perfect grades. It’s the same way that adults should feel like work is not everything — you deserve to have a life outside of work.

I am not a parent myself, so maybe I have a different understanding. But as someone who was once a school student, I have a strong opinion on this.

Now, I’m not suggesting that kids should forget about their grades completely and throw school out the window. Yes, kids should work hard and strive for good grades. Yes, graduating is one of the most important things a kid can do to secure their future. But no — grades are not everything.

It all comes down to this truth: some kids are naturally “smarter” than others. I put the word “smart” in quotations because there are many different definitions of this. In this particular case, I’m referring to “book smart” — as in memorization, processing speed, etc.

What frustrates me is that we live in a world in which people equate “book smart” with being a good person. It’s the same way that people assume those who are rich, beautiful, socially adept, skinnier, fitter, etc. are “morally superior” than those who aren’t. It’s a form of discrimination — it’s ableism.*

*Ableism is a system of beliefs and practices that devalues and discriminates against people with disabilities, often assuming that disabled people are inferior or less capable than those without disabilities. It can manifest in attitudes, behaviors, and systemic structures that marginalize or disadvantage disabled individuals.

My story

In elementary school, I was a straight-A student. I loved school — I loved pleasing my teachers and being labeled a “good girl.” At this time, I had a best friend named Maria.*

*name changed to protect privacy.

In middle school, my grades began “slipping.” I was in fourth grade when my teacher dramatically pulled me aside and told me that I got a C in science. I still remember those feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment, as if I had done something terribly wrong. In fifth grade, I had another teacher dramatically tell me that my reading level wasn’t progressing as it should. And I still remember running to the bathroom in tears. Again, I felt so ashamed of myself.

Meanwhile, my best friend Maria was getting perfect grades. She was placed into a gifted program and pulled into all of the honors classes. As we got older, and the school system more clearly defined the gifted students verses the rest, it felt like they were sorting us out between “the good kids” and “the bad kids.”

The truth is — I was working twice as hard as my peers yet receiving only half of the credit. I observed my friends, even my siblings — who were getting A’s on tests that they never studied for while I was getting C’s on tests that I put my blood, sweat, and tears into. It wasn’t fair.

It becomes a spiraling effect. When you see people naturally achieving the things you strive for, you begin to lose hope and think “what’s the point?” It did get to the point in high school where I stopped putting in effort. It feels so much worse to get a bad grade on something when you didn’t try verses when you tried your absolute best.

This is not to say that I became a total slacker. Teachers would call my work inconsistent. I still worked very hard, especially when I had a kind teacher who believed in me. But many times, I felt like I was set up for failure.

There was this test in 11th grade math class. The teacher bluntly announced, “if you don’t spend several hours a day studying for this test, you’re going to fail.” What separated the gifted students from myself was that I had years of experience studying with 200% effort. Once tests were graded, she handed me my papers and said, “you were one of the few who actually studied.” I got a B — which was curved to an A. Moments like these, I was proud of myself.

Another thing is that, I had terrible social anxiety at school. And I feel like I was punished for my social anxiety. While other kids were often loud and disruptive, I was a very quiet student who never caused a fuss. Instead of being praised for my compliance, I was seen as “too compliant” in which I was “not participating in class.”

As a kid, adults were constantly telling me how I was so wise. They said I was an old soul, wise beyond my years. But they never called me “smart” past the age of nine. And sadly, we live in a world that values education over wisdom.

The educational system significantly damaged my self-esteem — making me feel like I was a bad person. And when the world convinces you that you are a bad person, you start to believe the lie, and end up doing bad things.

Flash forward: I graduated from college with a bachelor of science degree, landed a job at one of the worlds top biomedical research companies, created my own side-business, and currently earn a passive income from my writing. BAM!

Plus, going beyond traditional success, I’m constantly challenging myself outside of my career path. I’m always learning new skills, taking on more hobbies, and nourishing my curiosity. That boy who got an A+ in fifth grade English hasn’t touched a book in over a decade — while I read over 20 books last year — and published 4 of my own!

Advice

My advice for parents (I know, I’m not a parent myself, but this is from my own experience as a student):

Praise your kids for good grades, but make it known that your love for them is unconditional.
- Instead of praising their grade, praise their efforts — “you did all of your homework! You studied for two hours straight! You attended an extra-help session after school!”
If your kid is a straight-A honors student, do not go around bragging about it. Their grades are a private matter and no one else’s business.
- Understand that telling others, “my kid is the smartest in their class” equates with phrases such as “my kid is the [coolest, most popular, prettiest, skinniest, richest, etc.] in the class.”
If your kid is struggling with grades, try to get to the root issue. Do they have a learning disability? Are they having mental health problems? Are they overwhelmed with other responsibilities? Encourage them to seek help, talk to their teachers, and see their school counselor.
Let them build a life for themselves outside of school. Help them find hobbies, skills, and passions. Provide for them a foundation of spirituality. Focus on “emotional intelligence.” Allow them to explore — with the freedom to try new things and quit what no longer works.

And this is my advice for kids who are in school or college and struggling with grades:

Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Try to establish connections with your teachers instead of seeing them as enemies. Their success is mirrored by your success.
Go to your school counselor for emotional support — even if you truly believe that you don’t need it.
When workload feels overwhelming, prioritize your weakest subjects. Ironically, my “weakest subjects” in school ended up becoming my career. I think that we struggle the most with the skills that we are most passionate about.
If your parents shame you for bad grades, be brave enough to tell them, “I need your help — I can’t do this alone.” You’re just a kid. You should not be doing anything alone.

Despite my current success, my bad grades are a childhood wound that still affects me today. As much as I consciously tell myself that bad grades don’t make you a bad person, this is something that was carved into my subconscious during my formative years.

Logically, I can see now that a few C’s and D’s, even a couple of failures, did not stop me from achieving my current success. But my inner child is still there in my subconscious. My inner child believes that she is a bad person. And I’m trying to heal that — unlearn everything I’ve been taught about learning.