Crystal Aura Gaze

I am heartbroken and shocked to say that today, we had to say goodbye to Venus. It all happened very fast and unpredictably.

A few weeks ago, Venus began losing her appetite and becoming a little more lethargic. It was very subtle changes, enough that made me really question it. Last Monday, she was completely uninterested in any kind of food, and she was having constipation and vomiting. It was alarming enough that I knew I had to take her to the vet.

I took her in that following day for bloodwork. They also gave her some anti-nausea medicine. And then on Wednesday, they found that she was anemic, but not sure why. It was recommended to do an ultrasound (at a different animal hospital), which I did for her on Thursday. But the night before, I had to pick up 3 different medications, and give them to her while she was refusing food.

On Thursday, I did not know what to expect. I tried to prepare myself for the worst, thinking I may only have a few weeks to months left. But during the ultrasound, they found a whole range of very serious issues, including an erupted mass, internal bleeding, fluid in her lungs, and kidney issues. They saw that she was close to septic shock, which is an extremely painful way to suddenly die. It could happen within days at most.

When I saw her again, she still had so much energy and was moving around and meowing. It was shocking to know what her body was actually going through. I decided to bring her home for one last night and then take her into my vet the next day.

Returning home, she was very weak and sleepy. The only thing she could eat was some chicken broth. She wasn’t really able to sleep, though. I stayed close with her, watching her, also giving her space when needed. She walked around a few times, but mainly laid down. At bed time, she slept in the bedroom in the blanket basket. I woke up at 2am and she had moved to the living room couch, so I joined her to sleep on the other couch. I woke up at 7am to find she was back in the bedroom, this time on the bed with Luna. I joined her again.

I could tell at this point that she was not well. Just a day or two ago, she wasn’t like this. It was a little risky to keep her another night, but I’m glad for that time that I could say goodbye to her.

Kevin and I went to to take her to the vet around 10am. We took our time with her and didn’t rush it. Her energy came back again at the vet, which was definitely more of a nervous energy.

The vet and techs were also surprised when they saw her because she still had so much vitality considering what she was experiencing. In that way, it validated that I didn’t miss any signs. She’s just such a strong cat.

This has been the craziest and most intense week. The past five days have felt like an entire year. It feels like it’s already 2027. My body has been so tensed up and anxious, and now I am filled with grief.

I will write a better tribute post to honor her and talk about her life and how much she meant to me. Right now, I’m really trying to process it. I’m just so grateful for these past nine years together. Of course I wanted more time, but we really had a fantastic time and made the most of it.

As for what happened, basically she developed a rare and aggressive cancer, which happened only within the past couple of weeks, or months at most. The internal mass ruptured and caused internal bleeding. On top of that, there was also kidney issues. Since the mass was internal, there was no way of seeing it without the ultrasound. The signs are extremely subtle and catching it ahead wouldn’t have helped.

I did all that I could and it was all out of our control. There’s nothing I could have done differently. I was holding and petting her while she was being put down, looking at her eyes and being with her in her final moments.

Venus had her annual vet exam in October — and the vet said that she was super healthy. Her bloodwork was all normal. It’s insane how fast these things can happen.

This morning, shortly before leaving, I was in bed with her and she reached out her paw and tapped my leg, put her paw back and then tapped me again. I’ve never had a cat do that before and it felt like maybe it really meant something like she was trying to directly communicate with me.

In the past few weeks, I have had a lot of dreams about my cats (both Venus and Luna.) Most I can’t remember, but just dreams of being somewhere and the two of them follow me. While I’ve had dreams of them before, it was unusual that I was having so many dreams almost every night with them.

Two nights ago, before I knew what was going to happen, I had a dream that there were three Venus’s — that I thought there was only one, but then they all came out of hiding and it was three of them. And then last night, I had a dream that I saw my Mom and she was doing well and healthy. I wonder if these dreams have deeper meaning and I hope that Venus can visit me in dreams.