Growing, changing, & healing

I have many things to explain and apologize for. I can’t take 100% of the blame, because I have also suffered greatly and also dealt with a lot of unclear communication. But I will take most of the blame and I am regretful over times I’ve been so cruel. I have never acted out of maliciousness, only from being hurt, but that is certainly no excuse.

I have been very wishy washy for so long, and very unclear about what I mean. I have also played dumb and been aloof, not necessarily on purpose, but I can take ownership over that. And only this past year or so has this occured to me and has been something I’ve tried working on. But I do feel like I am at that point where I really do want to be direct and clear with my communication.

Sadly there is stigma against mental health issues which has caused me to be dishonest about how I function. I have gone through lots of therapy during school years and college years but no one could ever break through to me. The reason why is because I could never be honest with a therapist, I subconsciously continued to put on a “front” that everything was perfect so that they could never get through to me and really see what was happening in my head.

I realize now that talk therapy does not work for me and never has because I don’t express myself correctly through speech. I can only genuinely express myself through art such as writing, dancing, singing, crafting, etc. This does not mean I’m “fake”, it means that I am wired biologically different than what people are used to, or what you’d call “normal.”

And because of this I have never been able to receive a proper diagnosis, but I resonate with multiple disorders, one of them including bipolar disorder. There are times when I feel unstoppable, like the greatest person in the world, when I have too much confidence, and then there are times when I feel very paranoid, like people are against me and gossiping about me, like everybody hates me, like I am the ugliest and dumbest person to ever exist. There is really no in between.

But it’s more intense than that, let me explain. If I’m on a “happy streak,” then nothing can upset me at all. Someone can walk up to me and say “I hate you” and I’ll smile and laugh and take it as a total joke or compliment. And then if I’m on a “depressed streak,” someone can say “I love you” and I’ll become angry and assume they are lying to me and trying to hurt me or mess with me on purpose. So my mood can change my entire reality. I have delusions. And this makes it very hard for me to understand what’s real and what’s not, what’s in my head verses what’s actually there. And that makes me very insecure and uncertain about reality.

Maybe I should try to go back to a psychiatrist but I personally really struggle with talk therapy. I make an effort to do what is therapeutic for me, like yoga, tea, writing, and hobbies. I try hard to take care of my mental health and I really do see a positive shift in the past several years. But no amount of therapy or medication can change who I am at my core, and I don’t ever want to change who I am just to fit into society’s mold.

I really don’t want to change what’s within, what I would rather see is a society of people who can accept one another’s differences and not expect everyone to function the same exact way. You should never assume you know what someone’s thinking or what’s going through their head. And most importantly never jump to negative conclusions. I really think almost every conflict comes from misunderstandings. We all assume everyone sees things the same exact way we see them, but everyone has a different perspective.

So on one hand, I want to say sorry. I cannot justify any harmful things I’ve said or done by blaming mental health, or on a disorder, or on society itself. I wasn’t trying hard enough and I wasn’t being conscious enough in the past. Most of all, I have been a total coward many times. I know I need to be more honest and brave.

I would also like to make a point that we all see things differently. We all have our own forms of communication. We are all on a journey of growing, changing, & healing.