I am left with a million questions in my head. And with each question, I remind myself that there is no answer. Yet I still cannot help but ask, and wonder...
I know that it was not the greatest start. It was a world full of darkness and lies. But within that void of confusion, I swore I saw a light — and that light was potential. I wasted a lot of time ignoring that light, telling myself it was not strong enough to ever overcome this darkness between us. But as the days went on, and I could not push you out of my mind no matter how hard I tried, I knew it was time to face my fears and follow that light.
I willingly gave up and lost almost everything. I was holding onto faith, and that was really all. I truly learned that living a safe and comfortable life is NOT worth it. I realized how important it is to push yourself out of your comfort zone and take that risk. What is love without the risk? There is no love without risk. I knew very well it could all fall apart at any moment, and I pushed forward anyway, because that was a chance I was willing to take.
And right when things were supposed to get better, they just kept getting worse and worse. But I kept on holding on, I kept telling myself to just keep having patience. It takes time for two people to recover from past betrayal and truly gain one another’s trust. Little by little, day by day, this could be something that we work on. We were both mad at each other for things, but there will be forgiveness and renewal, we just need more time — I told myself.
And truly, as soon as it felt like that trust was being built again, it completely smashed. Were you leading me on, or was I reading it all wrong? I look back on so many times when I thought you were ready to come towards me, but you quickly turned away. And then I look back on so many other times when I was too hesitant myself, when I was the one to turn away. But I kept on thinking, just time, just more time, just keep on waiting, and it will all come together.
I still keep on thinking it is not the end. I will wake up one day, and you will be back. I will be sitting at home, and you will be knocking on my door. When I least expect it, you will come back and sweep me away. But this light of faith, that was once growing, has turned into nothing but a speck. It’s still there, but I cannot see it anymore. I have to stop feeding a light that refuses to grow.
I’m just asking for some honesty. If there are things about your past, or your present, you don’t have to tell me about it. If you’re not ready to discuss something, I won’t even bring it up. If you want to go slow, I will move with you like a turtle, and we can be two slow turtles together crawling through a sea of love. If you said “I can’t be with you right now, but please wait for me.” I would wait for you. It’s not even a question.
But you can’t give me anything. Not a single sliver of truth. If you could tell me what is happening then that would be all I need. Tell me that you’re just not interested, tell me that it’s not the right timing, tell me that you’re mad at me, tell me that you don’t even care, tell me that you’re intimidated by me, tell me that you’re too nervous, tell me that there is someone else — tell me ANYTHING… but please do not leave me with nothing.
You can stay, or you can leave, but you cannot just sit there in the in-between — you cannot have your cake and eat it too — you cannot have my love while you pretend to be someone else. You are either in my life or out of it. What do you expect — for me to go on living with your shadow? No, I’m living with you or without you, but I am not living with a shadow of you. If you want to leave, then let me forget about you, let me let you go. You can’t refuse to be in my life, while also refusing to let me go. That’s pure torture. You must hate me. I know you hate me.
I am not looking for love. I am not going around chasing it. But my heart is open. And if love finds me, then I will receive it. You may believe I do not deserve to live a full life, but that’s wrong. Whether I am meant to get married or have kids or not, it’s out of my control, but it’s not something that you can stop. I wish upon every star that this future could be with you, but obviously that’s not what you want.
You are not welcome back until you come to me with honesty and courage. Not to worry, I am not holding my breath for that moment.