philosophy · thursday thoughts

Take your time

Take your time to grieve, and take your time to start over…

I know I have written before many times about how good things take time and patience. But bad things take time and patience, too. You need the space to move forward from the past and into the new.

Grieving is, unfortunately, a very natural part of the human experience. We grieve the death, the sickness, and the loss of loved ones — whether they have passed away, or they are living a brand new life apart from us.

Yet, as much as it happens, grievance is something we continue failing to fully understand. It’s a yucky process, so of course we try to rush it, instead of feeling it out.

First of all, “time” is no measure for grieving. People say, “it’s been a few months now, you should be over it by now” or “it’s been years, you should be over it.” Yet it is seriously not as simple as that. We need more time than we realize. And the more we rush the process, the more we backtrack.

You can be in a relationship for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20+ etc… it’s going to take a while to get over that. You may even spend more time grieving the relationship, than the actual length of being together. That’s fine.

Or what about when someone passes away? You could have known them for a very short time in your life — you will probably miss them forever. Now what about someone you’ve known for your whole life?! You will never “get over it.”

What I’m saying is, time is not a factor that should be obsessed over. Forget the amount of years, forget what year it currently is, forget what age you are — stop setting a timeline for such a difficult matter. There should be no deadline when it comes to moving forward. And the more you obsess over it, the less likely you are to ever find peace.

If you have gone through a breakup, whether a divorce or dating, or even a very serious and long term crush, anyone you once saw a future with — it is important to give yourself time. People will say that you need to start dating right away, they will tell you that you need to find someone new immediately. And then you put yourself out there and just find yourself comparing everyone else to that person. And the more you spend time with another, the more you miss that other person. The more you force yourself to move forward, the more you end up slipping backwards.

It’s better to take it day by day. You could find yourself rushing forward with someone new, or rushing forward into a new home, new career path, new life phase — whatever it is. And then suddenly it all comes crashing down when you realize you never gave yourself that proper time and space to grieve. Not that you should dwell on the past, but letting it linger for a bit is fine.

Be honest and gentle with yourself. It’s really, extremely difficult when everything you thought your future was supposed to be, turns out being something completely different. It makes you feel out of control.

There is hope. There is a new day right around the corner. But take your time getting there.


One thought on “Take your time

  1. Yes, the time needed to grieve is different for every individual, and every instance of loss, even. I’m not sure that, especially with deeply important relationships, we’re ever really “over” them. We can manage to navigate out of the tangled, wild jungle of acute grief, but it usually leaves behind something that we continue to carry. In a healthy grieving process, that something just becomes not only liveable but fond and maybe even strengthening.


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