Personal updates

Journal Journey: Ages 17 to 19

This is a really cool-looking journal because it has a cover over it.

I end up writing a bit less frequently in this journal, because I have way less alone-time during these years — with roommates, soon a boyfriend, and a constantly active social life. This journal begins with the start of college, I’m 2 and a half months away from turning 18. It does start on a tough note, because I quickly realized I picked the wrong university and needed to transfer. But it will get better soon.

It’s sad though because, even though it wasn’t the right college, I still ended up making some good friends and having some good times. (I know I said I wouldn’t include names but I think this one is OK!) I wish it had been easier for me to keep in touch with them after transferring. Some friends may only come into your life for a couple of months, and you will still never forget them.

It was absolutely devastating when my cat, Buttermilk, passed away. I still miss him so much. And then within a few months, my other cat Penelope passed. Also my five chickens all died that time too. All my pets just left me all at once!

I can see how I am at such an awkward stage in my life. At 18, I’m an adult, but I know that the world and my family still sees me as a child. I may be an adult, but I’m still under the control and finances of my parents. That’s hard for me to deal with. I’m itching for freedom so badly at this point. When I’m away at college, I’m an adult. But when I go home for college breaks, it’s like regression back to childhood. And as you can see from my teenage entries, those were dark times I was trying to run away from.

My friends in high school were all very introverted but my friend group in college is the total opposite, very extroverted, very social. It’s a total shift. Sophomore year, I am living in a house with three other girl friends, and one of the girl’s boyfriend. And every day there are like ten new people just chilling in the kitchen or living room. This is a whole other world.

I don’t regret all the people I met and many friends I made — that was exactly what I was looking for at the time. I only wish that I knew how to draw boundaries, that I took time to express when I needed “me time” to step away from everyone for a moment. This was a life lesson the universe was giving me to teach me how to draw boundaries.

This is me, really getting into meditation, and trying to make a habit out of it. Apparently during this specific meditation, I saw my Gramps, who passed away when I was nine years old. That’s interesting and beautiful that he crossed my mind there.

Does anyone remember when I bought a chinchilla? And it chewed a hole in my parents’ kitchen wall? And then I surrendered him to a chinchilla adoption team because I realized I was not truly fit to care for him properly? Yikes. He was so darn cute and soft though.

This is me realizing that relationships are stressful. Oh, how I wish I could show that to my twelve year old self, who once journaled the belief that having a boyfriend magically makes your life perfect. This is also me ignoring the fact that I did date one person in high school, well he was already out of high school when I did, maybe that’s what I meant?

There were good times and bad times. And then there was the time at the movies when the lady at the snack bar said I looked just like Jennifer Lawrence and that was a huge ego boost.

By age 19, I really prioritized my spirituality. This was a huge turning point. I spent so much of my teen years relying on other people to make me happy. I thought, if I had a boyfriend, I would always be happy. I thought, if I had more friends, I would always be happy. At this time in my life, I had a long-term boyfriend, and I had more friends than ever before — and I still suffered from bouts of depression. That’s when I finally learned — it has nothing to do with anyone else — true happiness comes from within.


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