my past failures

I’m back with another depressing rant. Trigger warning that this is not going to be positive, so kindly please click away if you are seeking positivity right now. Again this is really important for me to feel my feels. I have a lot of coping mechanisms for pain, and I have to say that writing is my healthiest one, so I’m trying to focus on that. Again, this is my blog and I write what I want to write. This is not for attention or for seeking comfort — this is purely for release. These buried feelings, I can’t keep stored away and suppressed forever.

I am really not a perfect person, and that is a severe understatement. I have a lot of issues, I am very troubled, and I have done many absolutely horrible things that have caused pain for the people around me. It’s really, really sad that it has actually taken me this long to fully own up to my mistakes. And I know that’s still not good enough. I know I have written so many times, about how I make so many mistakes, and I try to learn and grow from them, and all of that cliché nonsense. But seriously, I am feeling the pain I put out there years ago, I am feeling it all come back to me. And possibly not even as strongly as I put it out there. I just can’t imagine how much ignorance I have put out there.

I am so sorry. I am so beyond sorry. And I also know that apologies are not good enough. Maybe they’re a start, or maybe they’re just meaningless at this point. I seriously, completely, fully deserve all this confusion I have been facing. I really do deserve it all. It doesn’t matter what hardships I’m going through, it doesn’t pay back for pain I have caused. It’s all coming back to me and rightfully so.

The universe needs to feel how remorseful I am. I am not choosing to push away the pain, or numb the pain, or distract myself from the pain. I do want to feel it completely. I want to bleed it all out. Sometimes people see me accepting pain and confusion, and they assume that’s my way of “not caring.” But it’s the complete opposite. I accept it all because I know that I deserve it.

I know I am privileged. I am a small white girl who comes from a privileged family. I wasn’t raised knowing pain and suffering the way that most have. I completely acknowledge that. I grew up in a little bubble. I was so sensitive that if someone spoke to me in a slightly annoyed tone, I would cry the rest of the day. I had wealth and privilege. And I was the third and last child, just like every third/last child I was totally spoiled rotten. I got away with so much trouble and I learned how to take advantage of that and I brought it with me into my adult years.

I did go through traumas, I did face near-death experiences. But at the end of the day, I was privileged and I came from a lucky and privileged home. Here I am a fully functioning adult on her own, and I know that I am still privileged. I’m a perfectionist. I am revenge-seeking. I am narcissistic. I am cowardly. I am overly sensitive. I am all of these horrible things. I completely admit that. I’ve told lies, I’ve stabbed backs, I’ve stabbed hearts, I have done this all without an ounce of remorse because I was so over-consumed with my own anguish that I couldn’t think of anyone else’s. I’ve started drama, I’ve pinned people against each other, I have gaslighted people, over and over. And worst of all, I’ve admitted to mistakes (like now) and yet continued to keep on doing them again and again, which seems to be a never-ending pattern.

That’s all, at least for now. I just want to clarify again that I am not seeking attention or comfort. This is what it is and it has to be said. And this does not fix anything either. It just has to be said. Just because I’m polite, just because I can make myself sound friendly and sweet, it doesn’t really mean anything. I don’t think I’m beautiful, but I have been called beautiful before, and I can tell you that beauty has absolutely nothing to do with the heart. It’s meaningless.

I will try to end on a somewhat positive note. Personally I do believe in God (But I completely respect anyone who is atheist, agnostic, etc.) I do completely wish blessings for everyone. If God is here and can hear all my prayers, seriously the only thing I want is for people to be happy. It’s not about me. I really do want the world to be a better place. I keep thinking of so many wars and genocides and travesties and it really does disturb my faith. I do believe this life is just temporary, that there is so much greatness beyond this teeny tiny illusion. I know pain itself is an illusion (but that doesn’t make it any less real.) So I will end with this — happiness and blessings for everyone and most especially those less fortunate and those who really need it. Good energy is real. When we let ourselves feel negativity, we can release it, and we can find peace underneath it all.