Broken

I don’t know if I should say this, or if I’m allowed to say this… but this is my blog and I can write what I want. I should warn that this is going to be a very depressing rant. So if you’re seeking positivity right now, please click away. I’m not looking for anyone to fix me right now or try and make me feel better. I’m just writing this for release. I just want to feel my feels right now. What’s worse than horrible pain is trying to pretend that you’re happy and fine.

Today I lost a person who means the most to me. They are gone from my life and now going on living theirs. I loved them… love… still love. I love them. And now here I am heartbroken. Stabbed in the heart. Running to the bathroom every few minutes because I can’t stop crying. There’s another great benefit to masks, people can’t see you crying in public.

I hate to admit that. I don’t like being this vulnerable. I don’t like any of this at all. I want to run away. I want to delete all of my social media and just disappear. I want to pack all my bags and move across the country and not tell anyone where I went. I can’t even talk to anyone right now. I just want to hide from the world. It’s an evil and scary place I’m living in, and I don’t like it at all. I was looking forward to autumn and writing a bunch more Halloween themed posts, but now I don’t even want to do that. I wouldn’t delete my blog, but maybe I would, I don’t even know. I can’t think straight. I can’t see a future.

Yes, I’m heartbroken. I’ve been lied to, deceived, and tricked, but I still feel like it’s all my fault. Like I didn’t try hard enough, or maybe I tried too hard, or maybe I was just too late and that’s that. I’m not even angry, I mean I am angry, but I’m too exhausted to be truly angry. It’s buried anger. I’m just sad. I’m tired and sad.

But when you love someone you do want them to be happy. Even if it’s without me. And you want them to have true love. Even if it’s without me. And you want them to have a good life. Without me. Personally, I cannot picture myself ever having a happy life now. I can’t see it.