Journal Journey: Ages 15 to 16

Okay, this journal has a super cute design, maybe as cute as the cow journal. A little cat weighing itself with the words “for my eyes only.” I believe I bought this while out shopping with my mom and Gram.

Just opening the first page, I can feel that this journal is going to be a lot harder to go through than my previous two. This is when the pain and depression gets really bad. I can already feel a stabbing in my heart, which I did not expect. Ouch, this hurts.

As I’m flipping through the pages, this is all very cringe. Like this is stuff I don’t think I want to remember…

Okay, now it’s getting lighter and funny again. Total run-on sentence but — “After school I waved at him and he totally ignored me and I felt so stupid and came home and cried also cuz I’m so sick and thought maybe he was joking or changed his mind or thought my hair looked stupid or whatever my mind is just taking over my heart for some reason and telling me to give up and that this can’t be real can’t be happening. Well today I waved at him in lunch and I wasn’t sure if he saw me because he looked down right when I looked at him. Then in gym they were staring at me from outside through the windows and started waving!”

There is so much boy drama in here, it’s ridiculous. Really ridiculous stories!

“I really want him to unblock me on Facebook”… OMG remember when people used to remove each other and block each other on Facebook over petty drama? Do they still do that? Because I left Facebook in 2017. I know firsthand it still happens on Instagram…

My handwriting / spelling / grammar is not good here so I will rephrase — “you’ll never know how you’ll act in a situation until you’re actually in it. The conscious mind knows that facts aren’t as reliable as the hidden mind, which comes out in your dreams. I’m trying to stay away from the Internet and mostly Facebook for a week. I think it all causes more problems than it solves.”

There are some really sad and dark parts around here. I won’t reveal the details. My mom comes to talk to me, saying how she is worried that she hasn’t been taking my problems seriously enough. This is when she gets me to see the school therapist, but that doesn’t really work. And yet as dark as it gets sometimes, I am always attempting to step back and look at the big picture, trying to encourage myself to not be so self-critical. I was dealing with so much guilt, anger, and confusion.

Gaaahhhh, soooo much negativity and sadness…

I can clearly see that I spend so much time trying to “figure out my sadness” or “figure out why I’m sad” — I should’ve quit attempting to rationalize my feelings, and just FEEL them. Just let myself feel sad if I was sad. I would tell myself that I don’t deserve to ever feel sad — that I have clean water, friends and family, all the necessities… but truth is that we do not need to justify our emotions. Why? Because feelings are not logical or rational! They just are! I think I would’ve avoided much more pain if I simply gave myself permission to not be happy all the time. There is way too much pressure from society to always be happy.

I used to re-read old journal entries A LOT in high school. I don’t know why. Maybe obsession. In the past several years, I rarely ever look back on my journals. I don’t like reading old entries, whether from a couple years ago or a couple months ago. Because it’s so cringe! But I urge myself to, like maybe once a year (like right now) because it truly helps me accept and process my past. I admit I used to be a lot more obsessive about the past, and I’m glad I sparingly look back, but I still think it is so important to do a deep reflection every once in a blue moon. Visit memory lane (but don’t live there.)

Anyway, the journal does end on a positive note. I do end up feeling much stronger, much less broken-hearted. I know there will be more lows to come for me, but this really was a low point. I feel so relieved to know that this is not my life anymore.