Crystal Aura Gaze

I learned how to overcome fear

When I first moved out and lived on my own in my late twenties, it was a little bit scary at times — but not terrifying at all. And after the first year, it came very natural.

I had to be a little more conservative, like avoiding coming home after dark, or sleeping over friends’ house if it was going to be a late night. And I never invited anyone into my home unless it was someone I knew well and could trust.

For a while, I did have to sleep with a “night light” or keep the TV on. I did become much more anal about locking my door and triple checking. And I did have a few nightmares about a stranger breaking into my home.

Some people would say, “isn’t it scary living alone?” It’s really not. Actually, you face these fears, and it makes you a braver person.

I learned who I truly am

Living with a roommate, partner, or your family — always requires a compromise and blending part of who you are. This makes it harder to know who you actually are verses who you live with.

Living alone allowed me to explore the real me. It’s not just about decorating and furnishing the way that you like, it’s also about doing all of the things you want to do. It’s anything from watching your favorite shows to creating your own strange rituals.

I learned how to kill bugs

The worst part about living alone is having to deal with bugs or pests. Before I ever lived alone, I was the type to always call someone else to kill a bug. I refused to kill them myself. And I would not rest until that bug was dead and flushed down the toilet (what if you put it in the trash can and it comes back to life?!)

Now, I can kill bugs. I try to grant them mercy, if possible I will bring them outside. Sometimes if I see a spider, I will actually leave it alone — because spiders kills bugs! So they can actually help!

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the more bugs you kill, the stronger you become.

I learned the importance of a good car

One of the first things I did when I moved to my own place was get a new car. My other car was getting old and was far too small to handle snowstorms. I wanted a car that I could drive through the snow in.

Unless you live in a city area with public transportation, living alone with one car is hard. You rely on it to get to work every day to pay your bills. You count on it to keep you safe.

The worst part is when you have to get your yearly inspection done and no one’s there to pick you up, so you have to spend six hours just waiting at the dealership. Or, just being constantly terrified that your car will break down — and no one will be there to give you a ride.

I learned that it wasn’t a long term plan

After always wanting to live by myself someday, it finally happened — and I learned that it wasn’t sustainable. It was only something that I could do temporarily.

Living alone is like being young. It’s fun, it has a lot of perks, but it can’t last forever. Some people do choose to live alone for their whole lives — and they are perfectly happy. I am just not one of those people.

To live alone for the rest of my life would ware me down. It forces you to carry a lot of weight on your shoulders, and that could only last me so much time.

I learned that compromise can be good

Doing what you want 100% of the time is not as great as it sounds. Having full control of all of your choices can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s good to have someone pushing you to do something you might not necessarily want to do in the moment.

Maybe you come home from a long day and want to go right to bed, and your partner or roommate says, let’s go out and do something. Or vice versa — you want to go out, but your partner or roommate says let’s just have a movie night. Maybe you take turns doing what they want to do verses what you want.

This just makes life more interesting and unpredictable. And you realize that you don’t always know what you want!

I learned how much I can handle

Living alone ended up being a lot more overwhelming than I predicted. Practical issues (like bugs and cars) popped up more than I expected. I thought I could put a lot more weight on my shoulders.

The hardest experience was Lyme disease — stage 3 Lyme arthritis — in which I couldn’t walk from my couch to my kitchen without crying because the pain was so bad. And I didn’t have anyone there to take care of me.

But through all of the difficulties, I did handle it all. I survived — and sometimes I thrived. I learned that I can handle more than I can imagine.

I learned how to be alone — in public

I’ve always considered myself to be a loner, but I realized that I was only alone in privacy. The only time I went out alone was to run errands and get groceries.

I started out by going on hikes by myself. And then I went to the movie theater by myself, which felt like the strangest experience. I went to bookstores alone. And then I went to the Lunar Faire on my own.

I realized, wow, maybe I was not as independent as I realized. Or maybe I’m actually ashamed to be alone. But doing all of these fun activities in public by myself — it’s very freeing!

Overall, I learned…

Before ever living alone, I imagined that the experience would be total freedom, independence, and knowing myself. I was only looking at the positives. I did not thoroughly think through the logistics.

And there really are so many positives to this experience. And I would have deeply regretted never trying it. But I also faced the reality of it — which I couldn’t see beforehand.

I wonder, if I never lived alone, would I know myself the way that I do today? Would I still embrace parts of myself that I used to feel ashamed of? I believe it was necessary for me to go within, do soul-searching, and connect to my deepest core.

It also really stretched me outside of my comfort zone. You may think that living alone is regressive — retreating back into your bubble. At least, that’s what I hoped for. But it really does cause immense growth.

I’m thankful for this experience, but I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life.