Crystal Aura Gaze

10 Years of Personal Growth…

Looking back on my blog posts over the past ten years, I see a lot of personal evolution. At twenty-one years old, I thought my life was set in stone. Little did I know how much destruction and chaos I was about to face – most of it from my own actions. Now, at thirty-one years old, I am relieved that life is finally settling down.

Looking back, I see a girl with a vision – a fantasy of isolation in hopes of enlightenment. I wanted to burn down all of my bridges for the sake of reaching some kind of unrealistic satisfaction. I was living in a dream world full of delusion and unhinged wonder.

The more that I fought against my imagination, the more that it pulled me in. Yet through writing, I learned how to channel that imagination in a healthy and productive way. I began to accept the parts of myself that did not agree with reality.

In many ways, I feel more connected to the person I was ten years ago – than I do to the person I was five years ago. Somewhere along this journey, in the midst of it all, I completely lost myself. I willingly walked down a path of destruction.

But maybe it was all necessary. There is no growth without destruction – rebuilding, starting over, and circling back to where it all began. I have come full circle – as a reborn woman.

The Meaning of it All…

It may seem silly how much this blog means to me. It’s just a blog. But for me, it’s really not. Now, it has become a time capsule of all of the life lessons I have gone through. It captures both the good and the ugly – equally important.

I’ve always had trouble expressing myself. My personality tends to bend towards the people I surround myself with. I struggle with boundaries – knowing who I am verses who I’m expected to be. It’s always been hard for me to stand my own ground.

But this blog has served as a place where somebody passes me the microphone and now everyone is finally listening. In some ways, it has been the only space where I can actually say how I truly feel.

I am actually crying as I write this, which is also kind of silly, but it’s true. This is how I found my voice and learned to stand up for myself. I have gained so much confidence through this process. I really thought that nobody cared what I had to say, nobody cares about my opinion, nobody wants to hear me.

But people do care, at least the right people do. I hope that people have been able to better understand me through my writing because I feel like I come across as contradictory and easily misunderstood.

Life is too short to hide who you are. Even if you live a long life, most of the people you meet will only be in your life for a very short time. So, express yourself and show them who you are, and that way they just might remember you…

Through the hard times…

I have gone through many hardships during the past ten years, the worst of all was going through the loss of my Mom, which happened over the course of several years. I have lost friends, I have been confused about love, and I have mistaken enemies for lovers.

In the midst of my blogging journey, I fell into a deep delusion, in which I was having trouble with understanding real verses fantasy. In late 2021, I really hit rock bottom, and I was tempted to delete this blog. I thought I would quit writing – and quit sharing my writing.

Instead, I did just the opposite. I thought of Mom. When I was a teenager, she told me that whenever I was struggling, I should keep on writing – use my writing as a tool to turn my struggle into power. So, I kept going.

I was crashing out hard at the end of 2021. And I will never forget the moment when I thought to myself, “life will never be okay.” I genuinely believed that happiness was no longer possible. I cannot forget the deep, dark hole I had fallen into. Worst of all, I felt like I was the one who dug up that hole, and everything wrong in my life was my own fault.

Slowly, I crawled my way out of that hole. I wrote books, I published books, I kept up with this blog – expanding on new topics and continuing to learn and challenge myself. I got my life back together. And on the tragic day that my Mom died in the summer of 2025, I went to her funeral knowing that I was not at rock bottom anymore, not even close. I had rebuilt a life for myself that I knew she’d be proud of. And instead of pitying myself, I knew that she was proud of me.

It’s All Personal…

My blogging journey is not just documented in my “personal updates.” It’s documented in my philosophy posts – where I am shaping my mindset of life. It’s in my media posts – where I am experiencing life through music, film, and books. It’s in my mythology posts – where I am looking at life through an ancient lens. It’s in my history posts – when I am connecting the past and the future. And so forth.

My blog reflects everything that I am learning. It shows the kind of life I am building for myself. It represents my thoughts, my perspective, and my priorities. It shows the themes, vibes, and aesthetics of my life. Every post is personal – even the ones that seem generalized.

What’s Next?

I cannot see myself giving up on this blog, or forgetting about it, anytime soon. The thing is, however, life is going to get very busy for me very soon. I cannot predict how much time I will have to spend on this blog. Despite any periods in which I do not post, I will definitely be back.

I would like to further focus on mystical topics. But I think that I will always be dabbling in all sorts of topics like I’ve been doing. I never run out of ideas to write. The only issue is finding that time to write. I also don’t want to spend my whole life on the internet. It’s important to have hobbies and ventures outside of this blog – where I can be without an audience.

I would love to see ten more years of Lotus Laura… imagine “20 Years of Lotus Laura!” Now, that would be wild! Who knows where I will be at that point… but I’ll always be around.