I am really not okay right now. I thought I was doing better but I suppose I am not. I feel that my life is basically over, and I wish that it actually was.
I feel that I am never going to be happy ever again. I feel that I am going to live the rest of my life in a constant state of mental torture. I cannot see anything improving from here, only getting worse.
Because I fell in love with someone, who will never want to be with me, who probably doesn’t ever want to see me be happy, ever. I saw a glimpse of hope and I really ran with it. He is almost twice my age. Why did I think that would work? I feel like, I’ve already embarrassed myself so much at this point, how can it get any worse? Might as well be completely honest. He was never honest. Not to me, not to any of the people around him.
I really went crazy and I am still going crazy now. I have vivid hallucinations where I see him or hear him and he’s not there. I think I’m talking to him and I’m not. I think he’s there and he’s not.
There is no way that I will ever be able to move beyond this. I have been deeply hurt by many people in my life, but nothing as close as this. I really thought I was being careful but I was being absolutely reckless and making a bunch of horribly incorrect assumptions. I have no way of ever seeing or speaking to him again. I’m just left here, stuck in my head, stuck in my torturous thoughts.
I would not ever wish this pain on my worst enemy. I tell myself all the time to be angry with him, and I literally can’t. I have so much anger but I can’t be mad at him. I so badly want to be mad at him. Yet I still pray for him and want him to be happy. How is that possible?! How does that make any sense?!
I could reach out to another guy, I could find the “perfect man” tomorrow, and I will still be obsessing over this man. I will still be missing him and wondering what happened. Actually, trying to distract myself with another guy makes things so much worse. Isolating myself is my only sanity. So now I have to accept the fact that I will never get married and never have children, unless I numb myself enough to live a false life. Now I am grieving the future I will never have because he stole it from me.
I am waking up every morning completely nauseous, vomiting all morning, back and forth to the bathroom and working just to vomit more. I am crying over the smallest things, I am randomly bursting into tears while people talk to me. I can barely function. I have multiple people asking me if I’m pregnant, no that’s not physically possible right now so I am definitely not. I’m just dying from the inside out.
I’m sorry this was really heavy and the last thing I wanna do is upset anyone or make anyone worried. But this is how I feel.