Today is my birthday. Every birthday, I like to use this time to reflect on the past twelve months as well as think about what I want for the next twelve months.
Everyone should celebrate their birthday – and they should do it in the way that they choose. When I was a little kid, I used to have these really big birthday parties. And honestly, I think it was really my Mom who wanted them. My mom was the super outgoing one, not me, so now I question if all these parties were actually her idea or mine. She was the one who had to plan and pay for them! Maybe she also figured that with her last child, more of a reason to go all-out.
But as you get older, birthdays are less about parties, and more about just doing what you want to do – putting yourself first for once. And I’m really content just taking time to be with myself and remember who I am. It’s easy for me to forget who I am. I’m too adaptive to my surroundings.
This is my first birthday without my Mom, since she passed this summer. But it’s not my first birthday without her fully here; it was probably about five or six years since I could have a full conversation with her. (For those who don’t know, she had early onset Alzheimer’s.) So, it’s been several years since she could pick up the phone and call me to wish me a happy birthday, or to wake me up in the morning with a birthday song.
I wonder if she is more here now than she has been in those past couple years. I hope so! I hope that somehow, she is still with me right now.
Next year will mark ten years since I started this blog. I was looking back at previous birthday posts I wrote.
2019
I feel like this is the year that I had to rebuild my confidence, tare it down and start from scratch. I’ve embarrassed myself so many times but I don’t regret it. I’m proud to say I’ve put my soul out there, and I’ve been judged and shamed for it, but I grew through it and learned how to defend myself and value my own opinion over anyone else’s. If you aren’t making a fool of yourself, then you’re not even living. You have to take risks and chances. People will be intimidated at worst, but inspired at best.
2020
I don’t think anybody really had a good birthday this year. It’s been a challenging year for everyone. Luckily I’m still able to enjoy myself this weekend and be grateful. I wanted to use this year to catch up on paperwork and legal junk. I finally updated my license just recently so I’m now officially a PA resident. I got both cats to the vet this year. Still need to catch up my own doctor appointments though. But considering the circumstances, I’d say it was a fairly productive year.
2022
This was certainly a life-changing year. The biggest change, being my shift in career. I was starting to think I’d stick with my prior job forever, but it really hit me last spring that it was time for something new. I became super burnt out. I was really content with my company, but I knew I couldn’t be an animal care tech any longer. It wasn’t my ultimate path, but it was still a vital stepping stone.
In the past year or two, I watched many great coworkers leave, people I considered best friends of mine (even if we didn’t always talk every day, even if we didn’t do anything together outside of work.) It’s always upsetting when someone close to you leaves, but ultimately I have to be grateful for that. If certain people never left my department, then I never would’ve left either, and that would’ve held me back. You shouldn’t base your career path off of other people, especially when you know that you’re meant for something else.
2023
Twenty-eight has been a great year! At the start of this age, the CDC announced that the pandemic was officially over. After two-ish years of quarantine and lockdown, everything was finally opened back up again — no masks needed! This automatically made it a better year than the prior.
I made a point to get myself back out there as much as possible and take advantage of the world opening up again. It started off with a lot of solo adventures: learning how to bake more, taking myself on nature walks at least once a week, and exploring new places (like cool bookstores) on my own. I also attended a few concerts: Ed Sheeran, Gryffin, Melanie Martinez, and The Flaming Lips.
2024
As I grow older, I feel less anxiety and competition, less of a need to compare myself with others, and more happy about where I am. I never really had an exact picture in my head of what my life should look like at this age. In the past few years, I have faced some delays, some detours, and some u-turns, but all of this is part of the journey that has pushed me where I am meant to go.
In my twenties, many people told me that these are supposed to be the selfish years, and you need to live it to the fullest. In my early twenties, I struggled to be selfish, at least in a healthy way. I struggled with boundaries, standing up for myself, and not letting people take advantage of me. By making an effort to put myself first, and to learn how to love myself, I can say that I have lived my twenties to the fullest.
There’s been a lot of change this year but definitely more internal than external. Many people are so externally-fixated. A lot of people don’t want to look within themselves – and so they don’t want to look inside of others, either. This became such a clear message to me this past year.
I’m not really offended when people fail to look beyond the surface. It’s just disappointing, but not unexpected. But life is a projection, so if I’m frustrated with other people for not going deep enough, it really means that I am more frustrated with myself for not going deep enough.
And I’m getting caught up in the show and spectacle of life. I’m feeling the pressure to match everybody’s expectations. But is it really other people’s expectations, or is it actually my own? And those who truly love you won’t expect anything out of you.
This year, I wish for more bravery, bravery to be myself and go deeper. I really want to embrace the darkness and no longer hide from it. In the past couple of years, I have clung much harder to logic, which only allowed surface-level thinking. Logic became my shield against hope, maybe to protect myself from disappointment. But that’s just not who I am, I am an emotional being.
Yesterday, I meditated for 45 minutes and it really provided a lot of clarity. I wanted to clear my head and have a sort of “spiritual cleansing” for my birthday, but I actually ended up having a lucid dream. When you meditate deep enough, your body goes numb and you can have the sensation of lifting above yourself, because your brain is producing theta waves.
Anyway, that’s enough rambling! Wishing for a good year ahead.
Crystal Aura Gaze 
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